Silly Poem – Liaison With A Lamp

‘Liaison With A Lamp’ was written in the usual dim lights of a Prado Lounge, whilst observing the sun’s rays begging to be allowed in, and dipping in and out of the collection ‘High Windows’ (available at Waterstones) by the poet Philip Larkin.

‘Only the young can be alone freely.
The time is shorter now for company
And sitting by a lamp more often brings
Not peace but other things.’
(lines 31-34 of Vers de Societe, p.36 in ‘High Windows’ by Philip Larkin (Faber & Faber, 1974).

 

Liaison With A Lamp

You need a lamp, he says.

A SAD lamp!

A lamp to be sad with when you’re feeling sad!

Two SADs – one inanimate, one barely human, both existing, and both

keeping sad company.

SAD!

 

Copyright owned by Jay Cool, 17th October, 2019

Illustrated by Jay Cool

 

Savvy Poem – SAD

Sillily-Serious Poem – Young Boris

Savvy Poem – Left-Right Invaders

Silly Poem – Pink Bloomer

Savvy Poem – Left-Right Invaders

When seeking out a quiet spot, in a quiet cafe, to keep company with paper and pencil, and a pot of tea for one – first, check out the neighbouring tables. Are they empty and are they large? If the answer to either/or both of these questions is ‘yes’, then go sit in a field, with a warm coat and a flask of the hot stuff! If is only fair, after all, if other people (large, noisy, groups of people are allowed to do what they do best), and not at all reasonable for an introspective and unsociable Neanderthal to impose her unreasonable expectations of silence upon others!

 

Left-Right Invaders

 

So she’s always telling us.

Tired we are.

Checks her emails.

Anyway.

You know, how she laughs?

Clean one.

Oh dear!

Let’s get it!

How she laughs, yeah!

Tomorrow.

Yeah, how she laughs.

Tomorrow.

She’s coming!

Clean one.

Oh, how she laughs.

Lovely!

How she laughs.

Don’t get it!

Strangers.

Taste one more.

Strangers.

Right.

Right. She laughs. Lovely! Strangers.

Don’t get it!

Laughs. She. How?

I’m not laughing or lovely, but I am tasteful and tired, likely quite strange, and always, always right, and I’m definitely, definitely going … Not tomorrow, and not yesterday, but right here and right now!

Get it?

 

 

Copyright of poem and illustration owned by Jay Cool, the last remaining mortal with 100% Neanderthal DNA, 17th October, 2019

Other nonsense:

Savvy Letter – Dear Mark Twain

Sillily-Serious Poem – Young Boris

Savvy Style – Ginger Legs

Savvy Poem – SAD

Inspired by Philip Larkin’s poem, ‘Solar’, and composed whilst partaking of an excellent pot of tea, courtesy of Prado Lounge, with the Autumn sun lighting up my morning.

 

Made sad by the dark and the drear of yesteryear, I feel the

pull of solar flames;

not for the ‘heat’ of the ‘gold’, or

for any kind of fury-fuel, but just

for sustenance – simple, calming, forgiving, and for the coaxing out of

words unwritten.

 

Copyright owned by Jay Cool, 17th October, 2019

N.B. Quoted words are from ‘Solar’ by Philip Larkin.

 

Sillily-Serious Poem – Young Boris

Silly Poem – Pink Bloomer

 

Sillily-Serious Poem – Young Boris

I wrote this, yesterday morning (17th Oct, 2019), after observing a youthful Boris lookalike sauntering through St. Peter’s market square, Sudbury. Later that day, I had the misfortune of hearing the news about Boris agreeing a deal with the EU!

Boris, young, with same loose tongue,

whips, carefree, ‘neath

glare of St. Peter’s .

Cap back-to-front,

hair, yellow and dishevelled, fringe lines horizontal and stabbing through,

clasp of hat.

A warning, pointed, of youth allowed to root and grow unhindered –

carefree, arrogant, dangerous. Portent of a future, our future, doomed

by a folly.

Copyright owned by Jay Cool, Thursday 17th October, 2019

Image of Boris drawn by Jay Cool; background image by MoteOo from Pixabay

Do take the time to read the opening chapters of my new serialised novel, a dystopian tale of life after Brexit:

Chapter 1 – The Half-Girlfriend

Chapter 2 – The Half-Sister

Silly Poem – Pink Lippy

Written whilst in Prado, looking out up at a statue of Thomas Gainsborough, lording it over the activities of the Avon lady’s market stall.

 

Gainsborough lords it high above cerise-pink hood;

a flower above all flowers –

its bed of make-up puckering lips up for a kiss.

Gainsborough smiles, his lips all pink and perfect.

 

Copyright owned by Jay Cool, 17th October, 2019

 

Savvy Letter – Dear Mark Twain

Savvy Letter – Dear Phantom

Chapter 1 – The Half-Girlfriend

Serious Poem – Outgoings

Silly Poem – Wednesday Morning

Wedded.

Wedded to my nest, for this morning,

this grey-ghastly-ghoulish morning,

I say my vows,

and write until

my gangrene growls and

grizzles its way to

Godliness.

 

 

Copyright owned by Jay Cool, 16th October, 2019

Image by Heiko Stein from Pixabay

 

Savvy Books – Not Yet Wall

Savvily-Serious Poem – Lift Lines

Savvy Letter – Dear Phantom

 

Savvy Letter – Dear Phantom

Dear Phantom Puncture Pr***,

Perhaps, who knows, you are a very nice phantom?

Personally, though, Phantom Puncture Pr***, I’m not so keen on your preferred pastime. It really isn’t so very pleasant to sneak around in the shadows, outside my cave home, with your hammer and nails, poking holes in the tyres of my car. On another point, albeit quite a similar point (a parallel point one might say) then my Hubby’s not overly keen on having holes poked in his car’s tyres, either!

In fact, I have to say, and I’m hoping (against all probability) that you will agree with me, then the whole project that you have embarked upon does seem just a teeny-weensy bit …… pointless!

To give you the full lowdown, to further emphasise my point, so to speak, then it costs £45 to replace one of my car tyres! Okay, so this may not be a lot of cash to someone in full employment but, as I am currently claiming Jobseeker’s Allowance, which amounts to something like £72 a week, then I hope you will feel just a teensy-weensy prick to your conscience!

I am trying to be a big earner (really, I am!) but, to date, as detailed in my other writings , I have only made 40p for the sale of one tiddly-little book! I am a mother, with three sprogs who are not bringing in any dosh of their own; rather, they are taking out the dosh. Taking out my dosh! As you can imagine, even if you are as c**p as me at the maths, then this really does not leave a lot of change from my £72 weekly income! Certainly not enough to be forking out £45 for a car tyre!

Now it really can’t be just a coincidence that, of very recent times, the cars in our Cool Neanderthal family possession, have been victim to four punctured tyres, all of which occurred whilst they were innocently parked outside our cave home. My car really is not the vindictive type (being at the budget end of things, it really can’t afford to be!) and it has never parked upon anybody else’s territory, only on the driveway to our cave, and on the road that adjoins it – never obstructing anybody else’s access to their own abodes!

And, I can vouch, too, for the good nature of my Hubby’s car; he only spent £500 on the little gem, so really it has a lot to be grateful for – he saved it from the knacker’s yard, and a long-slow-painful death under the crusher! So please, please, please, have mercy on it. Don’t make it’s remaining days a misery, by hammering nails into any of it’s tyres – it will meet it’s end soon enough and, in the meantime, my Hubby needs it to get to his place of employment. If he keeps being made late by you, my Phantom Puncture Pr***, then it is highly unlikely his boss will be pleased enough to be paying him – and then where will this family be?

Okay, so if we lived back in the 1800s, I could just sound the sprogs out to work with their clackers, scaring away the crows from the farmlands of Chilton. But, seeing as we are living in 2019, then I’m pretty certain this is not going to happen! And, if I send the sprogs out in the dark, with the same said clackers, to scare off you, Phantom Puncture Pr***, then they will undoubtedly be served up with ASBOs! It’s bad enough for Sprog 2 that he’s been made late for school by the puncture issue, and acquired a poor reputation for punctuality, without having a criminal record clocking up points in his school’s book for pointlessly-naughty sproglings!

Of course, there is always the possibility that, with too much time to be a lazy dosser,  I have become a tad paranoid, and that the flat tyres just happened in the general run of things. But, as the garage man, asked, “Where have you been with so many nails in your tyre?”, and I could only answer that I had been back and forth from various local schools and sports training events doing the mum thing, I am inclined towards the belief that my sanity is intact! At least, as intact as it possibly can be, in one who chooses to live in a cave and prance around in a Neanderthal costume!

Once my car has gone kapput, I will not, unless in the meantime some kind publisher takes pity upon me and does the charitable thing by signing me up, be able to replace it! it was purchased, needless to say, whilst I was in employment, and is currently maintained by my dwindling redundancy funds. When it’s gone, it’s gone for good!

So, please, Phantom Puncture Pr***, please take up an alternative pastime, and go haunt some other inanimate objects, (i.e. not our car tyres), and preferably ones that don’t belong to a real families with real expenses.

And if, indeed, I have imagined you up, be alert and prepared for my fairy dust. In just one single sprinkling, I can make you fly ……..! Sounds like fun? It’s not! Phantoms, so I’ve heard, are absolutely petrified by heights! And, remember those dreams – the ones when you are flying and all seems tickety-boo, until the moment when you want to land, and you can’t ….? The never-ending-flying-in-the-sky-forever NIGHTMARE?

Get the point?

Bestest of the bestest regards, 

from Jay Cool (the classiest of the Neanderthal matriarchs!)

 

P.S. If you, the cat who keeps pooping on the lawn beneath my washing line, is also the Phantom Puncture Pr***, then ……..!!! Okay, you may well be ginger but, in this case, even that won’t spare you from ……………………………………….!!!

 

Other posts by Jay Cool:

 

Serious Poem – Outgoings

Savvy Letter – Dear Mark Twain

Savvy Letter – Dear Top-Notch Editor

Savvy Books – Not Yet Wall

Savvy Book – The Marble Collector

 

 

Copyright owned by Jay Cool, October 2019

 

Image by TheoRivierenlaan from Pixabay

Savvy Letter – Dear Mark Twain

 

                                                                                                                                  Cool Cave                                                                                                                                   Cliff-top Edge                                                                                                                          Collapsing Village                                                                                                                          Suffolk                                                                                                                                   15th October 2019

 

Dear Mr Mark Twain,

Just read your advice about writing ‘without pay until somebody offers to pay’.

This is all very well, Mark, and this is exactly what I’ve been doing, and am still doing – inadvertently following your advice to a tee! Here I am, everyday publishing poems – some savvy but, more often, savvy – and, every few minutes, checking my stats! And how many viewers have I stacked up today? Just wait for it …

…19!

And out of those nineteen people, if indeed they are even real people (rather than pre-programmed site icons), who is going to offer to pay me? Not one single one of them! Today, I can’t even boast to have made a 40p commission from book sales for Waterstones. Sure, my followers (I have just a few) have liked my book reviews and, a week or so ago, someone even bought one of my recommended books but, my Mr Twain, there’s just one little issue here!

One little-very-BIG ISSUE!

It cost me an unbelievable £41 on a Twitter advertising campaign to achieve this 40p! Add into the equation, my monthly WordPress account outgoings, and then tell me, Mark: What exactly is going on here? Perhaps in your day, Mr Twain, it was possible to write without pay. But, in my day, in this day, I am paying myself to write!

Grrrrrrrhhhhhhh!

Ill regards,

Jay Cool XXxxxx….

Image by Peter Fischer from Pixabay

P.S. And, before you go underground again, take a Sabbatical, get up to date on some modern technology, and get stuck into this reading material:

A Something Poem – Find Me

Savvy Book – The Marble Collector

Dirty Monkey

 

Savvy Letter – Dear Top-Notch Editor

                                                                                                                                      Cool Cave                                                                                                                       Cliff-top Edge                                                                                                                       Collapsing Village                                                                                                                       Suffolk                                                                                                                       15th October 2019

Dear Top-Notch Editor (Acquisitions!),

Somebody out there, preferably a top-notch Editor from a prestigious publishing house – (Serpent’s Tail?) read, like and like again, lots and lots of times, the sample chapters from my WIP dystopian novel, ‘The Wall’.

It really is a much better read than John Lancaster‘s of the same name; for a start, then it is being authored by Jay Cool, a name that, in itself, is a bestseller.

And, look at it this way; to date, I have only made chapters 1 and 2 available online, so just think … ! If you contact me ASAP, you can prevent me from publishing the rest!

What’s more, once you’ve snapped it up, and papered it up, within one of your eye-catching covers, I can guarantee that it will be at the top of the Waterstones’ bestselling fiction list within a day of its release!

You don’t believe me? Well, guess what? You don’t have to believe me! Just pay me and then, maybe, must maybe, I’ll …

… go away …………… (fat chance!) …

Best regards offered (if contact made),

From your favourite author, Jay Cool XXXXXXXXXX

P.S. Be quick with the contact, because Chapter 3 of ‘The Wall’ is shortly to be released (but, first, read Chapter 1 – The Half-Girlfriend and Chapter 2 – The Half-Sister )!

Copyright owned by Jay Cool, 15th October, 2019

Image by DarkWorkX from Pixabay

And, whilst you’re still hanging on in there – read:

The Drilling: A Short Story

Serious Book – The Narrow Road …

Savvy Book -The Lost Boy

Chapter 2 – The Half-Sister

It wasn’t as easy as she thought, coping in the absence of her younger sister, Rose.

Grace was the eldest of the Howard siblings, the responsible one. And, considering the circumstances – her own lack of a maternal role model, she didn’t think she’d done too bad a job of dragging up the others. Certainly, their father, John Howard hadn’t been around much to dish out any advice; and her stepmother, mother of Rose and Alfie, hadn’t stuck around long enough for Alfie’s third birthday. Not that there’d been much to celebrate. Not by then.

Not by the time The Wall went up.

So much for Rose. Rose who’d abandoned her and Alfie, gone over to the other side, just for some boy – after all she’d done for her. And now?

Now she and Alfie just had each other. Still, with Rose gone, at least Grace had one less mouth to feed, one less fledgling to forage for. When The Wall had first gone up, the food supplies had been plentiful enough. With the generous housekeeping money their father provided her with, Grace had been careful to stockpile a large quantity of provisions in the cellar of their family home; the family home being an eight-bedroom mansion in Northumberland. Not really a mansion, of course, more of a large-suburban newbuild but, to give it its due status, it was rumoured to have been built on the site of Harbottle Castle. It was said, by some, by those who had once been the readers of History books, that Harbottle Castle had originally been home to the ancient Angles[1], and later to Margaret Tudor, sister to Henry VIII.

And on, or in, or below, what may or may not have been Harbottle Castle, ousted by a new-build, now lived Grace. Grace and her half-brother, Alfie Howard.

It was non-too comfortable, down in the cellar; the house had long since been burnt to the ground by the raiders – whether that be by the marauding gangs of the starved-crazy youths from the South, or by the uniformed and vengeful Scots was of little consequence. Once kinsmen, neighbours and, some of them, even family to the Howards – all were now, to Grace, nothing more than monsters. Monsters sanctioned by the state. Monsters of New Europe.

Still, at least the Monsters from the other side had clothes on their backs, food in their stomachs and homes to go to. At least they still registered with anyone who mattered, the authorities in Europe, as being fully human – fully Scottish and, as such, fully European!

As for Grace and Alfie, then being English and on the wrong side of The Wall, they were now officially worthless. Worthless and wasting. It wasn’t so bad for Grace; being seven years Alfie’s elder, she had more flesh on her bones to keep her going. But, Alfie?

“How much more of this old piece of trash do I have to read?” Alfie queried. “How much more before I can have something to eat?”

“One more chapter, Alfie! Just one more chapter, and the soup will be ready!”

“Soup again?”

“Yes, soup again! You love soup Alfie. Yesterday, you said it was delicious!”

“I do like it. I wasn’t lying, sis. It’s just that ..”

“Yes?”

“Well, I was hoping that today we might eat something more …”

“Yes? More what?”

“Nothing. Sorry, I forgot! I love soup. I really do! I’ll just finish reading this chapter then! But, seriously, what is the point of reading this old history textbook. What’s the point of it now?”

“It’s important to know about the past, Alfie – about our past! About England! If just one thing had been different, one different decision made, everything as we know it now would be different!”

“Yes, but it isn’t different is it? I mean, we can’t go back and make a different decision now can we? And, even if we could go back in time, it wouldn’t be our decision to make would it? It would be Horace Thompson’s decision. And he’d say exactly the same thing, make exactly the same mistake, that he made back then! It would be all out of our control!”

“The trouble with you Alfie, is that you think too much. You’re too clever for your own good!”

“Clever? How can anyone be too clever? You and Rose, you brought me up to question things, not to take anything at face value, to think for myself! And, now you’re telling me not to …”

“It’s ready! The soup’s done! Come and help yourself. Have as much as you like!”

Of course, the have-as-much-as-you-like bit was all part of the game – the game of let’s pretend. Alfie knew, just as Grace did, that the soup was mostly all water. It contained very little meat. What little meat they had needed to be eaten sparingly, made to last.

Grace was very aware that of the change in Alfie. The chubby little baby had disappeared long ago. Alfie’s eyelids were shrinking back into his skull, making his big-blue eyes appear larger than ever! At thirteen years of age, almost an adult, Alfie deserved more. Alfie needed more. It had been eleven years, since The Isolation, and ten years since The Wall’s completion. And still, still the English people were waiting. Waiting for all that had been promised to them, all that had been dangled out to them by the people’s Primeminster – Horace Thompson. Waiting for the restoration of England’s wealth, pride, their language and their National heritage.

But what they needed most of all right now was food. It had been bad enough for the first year of the change, when the ships stopped arriving from Europe and the people started to mumble about the lack of variety in the big supermarkets. Brie couldn’t be bought anywhere, not even on the black market, and croissants – more popular with the British than the French themselves – became little more than a fading memory of sweeter times. TV chat show hosts had to referee heated arguments between those with a traditional English palette (usually the over sixties), and those who’d once fancied themselves to be open-minded and modern – the multiculturalists. But, if they were the bad times, then there had been a lot worse to come.

Shipments of supplies from the non-European continents had soon dried up. The matter made worse by sanctions from Europe. What country would want to trade with England, when it meant cutting off trading ties with Germany, Spain, France and Portugal? The loss of such a miniscule source of income had little effect on the rising powers of China and Japan. Indeed, profits went up, almost as soon as they had dipped, with European countries seeking other suppliers for services once provided by the English.

But try explaining all of that to a growing teenager. Alfie needed food. Without it, he stood little chance of making it even into adolescence, let alone into adulthood. Grace, always the provider, had to do something. The food had to come from somewhere. Recalling family stories about how her great-grandmother, as a child during World War Two, had been glad to eat rabbit offal[2], Grace had glimpsed a way forward. A slow way forward perhaps, but speed was of no concern, whereas survival was everything. Rabbits. There were always rabbits.

And rabbits had originally been brought over to England from mainland Europe, hadn’t they? Brought into England from Spain, by the Romans, ready to be bred in walled enclosures, fed up and cooked up as a gourmet dish. Later, when the cold English climate threatened to wipe the rabbits out, some thoughtful keeper was kind enough to dig underground bunny homes for their warmth and comfort during the winter months.  And the unwitting European invaders hadn’t stopped their tunnelling and burrowing since.

Sweet rabbit soup. Sweet vengeance.

Grace and the sling-shot had become one.

 

Copyright owned by Jay Cool, 15th October, 2019

 

Image by David Mark from Pixabay

 

[1] Angles = people originally from North Germany, who settled in England in the 5th century

[2] offal = During WW2 women left the home to work in factories, filling in vacancies left by men at war; some had the messy job of skinning rabbits. A perk of the job may have been a pocket stuffed full of stolen waste, e.g. offal such as heart, liver, tail, paws and tongues.

 

Chapter 1 – The Half-Girlfriend

Serious Poem – Outgoings

Savvy Books – Not Yet Wall

Savvy Book – The Girl With All The Gifts