Storm Diary 1 – Pathetic?

Friday 6th March 2020

Panic buying. The new crime.

As I stand in the queue at Sainsbury’s, I fall victim to the scorn of another shopper (a healthy-looking young man!) who’s sharing exchanges with the cashier about the stupid people who are choosing to stock up, in lieu of a Coronavirus lock-in.

‘Pathetic!’ agrees the cashier, a thirty-something-round-bellied jolly type, and I get the sense that to agree with customers is just part of his job. Or am I just bracing myself for my moment of shame? I survey my own collection of panic buys: two packs of bacon, two packs of pizza salami, two packs of veggie nuggets! Am I supposed to feel guilty for purchasing a few family provisions? Do I feel guilty? No! After all, how will my sprogs – one an avid meat-eater and the other a vegetarian with a dislike of vegetables – survive a home-lock-in on the split peas and lentils I stocked up on yesterday?

A criminal?

I look up and face my witnesses: ‘I’m one of the panickers!’ I laugh, as the Scorner seals the deal on his own goods. He glances at me, not sure how to react, thinks twice about saying anything, and heads for the exit.

Well, I’m panicking!’ I confess, again, to the Cashier, and we swap banter about my anxiety issues and his death arrangements. He has his Will in place, so isn’t worried! I have my repeat prescription for my be-happy-anti-depressant meds. We’ll both be okay!

I make a mental note to remember to phone up my doctor’s surgery and ask for an increased dose of Sertraline! Will the lines be too busy to get through? Will I have to make a face-to-face appointment with Doctor, or will he agree to issue the prescription over the phone? I recall my last visit to the Surgery – three days ago – I was the only person who bothered to use the hand sanitizer on entry to the waiting room, and the only patient not coughing! And why the necessity for registration via a touch pad?

On arrival home, I pack my buys into the freezer, and brace myself for the storm.

Within minutes of sitting down, I’m checking the BBC, TV and website, for the latest stats, the latest advice, the latest on the best hand cream for over-washed hands.

Won’t the hand-cream undo the work done with the hand washing? Doesn’t its application involve touching the pot and the lid?

Pathetic.

By The Silly-Savvy Salopian

Storm Diary 2 – Zealot!

Image by Pete Linforth from Pixabay

Silly-Savvy Comedy – Market Mutations

In for a treat – another evening of raucous laughter, courtesy of Suffolk Punch Comedy Club.

PJ, our Manager and Emcee, is, on this occasion, presenting his wares at the internationally-renowned venue Needham Market’s FC.

And the first item up is none other than … the priceless No. 1, Chris Norton-Walker!

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No.1 wastes no time in boasting about his assets – even throwing a little extra into the deal – a personalised crystal ball!

Some of us punters are tempted, and the bidding begins to picks up pace, but then Chris makes a major slip-up –  dropping in that the successful bidder will have to cover the additional costs of a second installation.

No way hosay! This is Needham Market, not Sandringham – us taxpayers run on a limited budget! Sorry, Chris! How about settling for a piercing? A crystal stud from Argos?

But whatever Chris may be lacking in the way of balls, he soon compensates for the oversight by tricking his audience into a healthy dose of laughter.

Only, I, Jay Cool, blogger and critic extraordinaire can see through and beyond the crystal; the punters may believe they are laughing at Chris’ jokes, but the reality is that just one look at his face is enough to send all copies of Mr Miserable straight to the recycling bank. He thinks he looks like the white version of Howard from the Halifax ads, but all that I can see is Mr Potato Head. See if you can spot the difference!

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It’s a relief when the potato starts to sprout, and transmute into item No.1/2 – Chris-come-Ariel!

No. 2, Arielle Soumer, is chuffed to bits by the colour-change, and launches straight into a rant about a scorge of invaders who’ve moved into Brixton.

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Apparently a herd of pale and pasty freaks have been stealing jobs (and chicken) away from the native Afro-Caribbeans. Down on her luck, Ariel wants revenge and is homing in on some kind of a financial arrangement with an elderly front-row ogler. He’s all up for it, but his wife’s none too ….

Ariel, shift – now!

Item no. 3. Louie Green!

No? Not Louie? Where’s Louie? What’s all this about taking a break for a pint and a curry?

The vegi curry was tasty enough (can’t vouch for flavour of the meaty version), but appearance-wise, no. 3’s got to be my top-favourite mutation of the flesh – just love Louie Green’s leg tattoos!

Unfortunately, Lou’s gone in for a January reveal, i.e. a big-time cover-up, and this evening, all we get is a glimpse of no. 3’s skeletal arms! Come on, Louie, show us the full kaboodle!

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Luckily, I can give you a sneak preview from his summer-season debut – so back-track yourselves and lap this one up!

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Sadly, beyond his role as a Tattoo Parlour’s  Pin-Up,  Louie doesn’t find it so easy to form real relationships. Like Arielle, our Louie, has to pull out the financial card to even have a hope of getting into a friendship couple!

And, by way of reward for his efforts, Louie’s had all sorts of bizarre interactions with self-service card readers; a particular favourite of his being Aldi – great for an insert-it-quick one, him being a young stud with a hectic schedule.

Have to say that I don’t share No.3’s love of the fast lane. Aldi’s not the best for us middling folk who like to potter, hovering around with our zimmer frames, taking our time with sampling the goods, poking and prodding, selecting and rejecting, dawdling until we drop.

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Waitrose?

Oh the errors of youth!

Just as well that item no. 4 turns out to be the ghostly mirage of Paul Merryk!

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Paul, forever stuck mid-throe, in his end-of-life crisis, just has to be more Waitrose than Aldi!

But no!

Paul’s no Waitrose man. And he hasn’t even made the grade for Tesco’s wonky veg! In fact, due to his desperate need for gastric band surgery, Paul hasn’t even made it to Aldi’s reject bank!  To be fair, then the outlook’s pretty tragic, as due to one or two addictions that we won’t mention here, Item no.4 doesn’t even qualify for recovery on the NHS.

And what, with all that rushing around, stopping and collapsing, I’m relieved to get back to the bidding for the original old Mr Potato Head. To give him his due, then it has to be said that Chris Norton-Walker can always be relied upon to splice things up a bit!
Time to head over to the bar for a quick snack …
Walker’s crisps?

Item no.5? There’s another one? Forget that! Can’t have Walker’s without a follow-up pint!

See ya later …..

 
Copyright owned by The Silly-Savvy Salopian, January 2020

 

Come and see a Suffolk Punch Comedy Club gig for yourself. Free entry. First Wednesday of every month @ The Brewery Tap, East Street, Sudbury, Suffolk. The show starts at 8pm. Donations for Prostate Cancer Research gratefully received.

 

Image of ‘Mr Potato Head’ by geri cleveland from Pixabay

Image of ‘Shopping’ by Holly Dornak from Pixabay

 

Savvy Comedy – Jobseekers

Savvy Book – The Ginger Survival Guide

Silly Comedy -Rentacrowd

Savvy Poem – Tangle Tight

Unravelling into middle age and out again.

A ball of wool wound up tight, neat, fixed for a while.

Catching, snagging, pulling, loosening and tangling.

One great mass of stuff.

Stuff to be pulled back in.

Tight.

 

Copyright owned by The Silly-Savvy Salopian, January 2020

Image by snd63 from Pixabay 

Silly Poem – Christmas is Murder

Silly-Savvy Adventure – Chilton Cheer

Silly Politics – Boris’ Eggy Feet

Savvy Poem – Ash Portrait

Inspiration borrowed from ‘The Oval Portrait’, a short story by Edgar Allan Poe.

I sit

and, whilst sitting here,

ripe, if not ready, for the coppicing,

the length of the brush offers sparse protection

against the swoop

of desire.

 

Later, during the sweeping, I will swipe myself back into the pith of

the Ash.

 

Copyright owned by The Silly-Savvy Salopian, January 2020

Image by an unknown artist from a portrait on display in Prado Lounge, with the kind permission of the staff.

 

Silly-Savvy Adventure – Pumping the Bellows

Silly Book – Fairy Tales for Millennials

Perchance: Making it as a Writer

Savvy Poem – The Reassembling

Inspired by a sentence borrowed from Tim Winton’s ‘Cloudstreet’:’Clean and new, that’s what I want.’ (p.330, 1991)

Old and scratched,
worn out and worn by others,
by the ghosts of people who once were,
and still are,
of the people who still live on in bits of me.
And I make my own scratches, my own mug-ring stains, and my own dents on the bits of this existence kind enough to host me,
even if just for a short while, before the shredding, the recycling and the reassembling of the bits and bits and bits of all of us
that have been, that are and will be again.

Copyright owned by The Silly-Savvy Salopian, January 2020

 

Silly Thing – Yellow Shoes

Silly-Serious Poem – Stomach

Savvy Book – Paris Echo

Savvy Poem – Concrete

With morning sun lacking,

I feel my morning enthusiasm pestering,

wanting,

wanting to relax, drift off,                        escape.

Holding it back, keeping it reigned in, I order it to stay

and I put it into words of concrete.

 

Copyright owned by The Silly-Savvy Salopian, January 2020

Image by PIRO4D from Pixabay

Silly Poem – Waiting

Silly-Serious Poem – Stomach

Savvy Book – The Ginger Survival Guide

Silly-Serious Poem – Stomach

Churning, whirring, refusing to settle
for a new day; convincing itself it’s not that time
quite yet.
Not ready for things to come.
Preferring the solitude of a zone
still sleeping.

Copyright owned by The Silly-Savvy Salopian, January 2020

Image by Wolfgang Claussen from Pixabay

Silly Poem – Waiting

Silly Poem – Late is Late

Silly Poem – Nurse My Toe

Silly Poem – Waiting

Waiting for the one who is always late –

engine revving, horn beeping, annoyance mounting

into loud plea –

I have to tell myself that

it is done,

so why breakdown

in the waiting?

Just sink.

Take a break and

wait.

 

Copyright owned by The Silly-Savvy Salopian, January 2020

Image by ErikaWittlieb from Pixabay

Silly Poem – Late is Late

Late is late and

once late

there is nothing to be done about it –

nothing that can be undone;

there it is    stuck         out there         all on it’s own              LATE.

 

Copyright owned by The Silly-Savvy Salopian, January 2020

 

Image by annca from Pixabay

 

Silly Poem – Christmas is Murder

Silly Poem – Everything

Silly-Savvy Adventure – Chilton’s Ears

Silly Poem – Christmas is Murder

‘I hate Christmas –

it’s murder!’ she said.

‘If it wasn’t for breakfast,

I’d stay in my bed.

Why eat a turkey,

for lunch and for tea?

Why kill this planet,

when a lie-in’s for free?’

 

Copyright owned by The Silly-Savvy Salopian, December 2019

Silly-Savvy Adventure – Chilton’s Ears

Savvy Poem – Old Towns Cry

Silly-Savvy Article – Cats & Media Turds