In for a treat – another evening of raucous laughter, courtesy of Suffolk Punch Comedy Club.
PJ, our Manager and Emcee, is, on this occasion, presenting his wares at the internationally-renowned venue Needham Market’s FC.
And the first item up is none other than … the priceless No. 1, Chris Norton-Walker!
No.1 wastes no time in boasting about his assets – even throwing a little extra into the deal – a personalised crystal ball!
Some of us punters are tempted, and the bidding begins to picks up pace, but then Chris makes a major slip-up – dropping in that the successful bidder will have to cover the additional costs of a second installation.
No way hosay! This is Needham Market, not Sandringham – us taxpayers run on a limited budget! Sorry, Chris! How about settling for a piercing? A crystal stud from Argos?
But whatever Chris may be lacking in the way of balls, he soon compensates for the oversight by tricking his audience into a healthy dose of laughter.
Only, I, Jay Cool, blogger and critic extraordinaire can see through and beyond the crystal; the punters may believe they are laughing at Chris’ jokes, but the reality is that just one look at his face is enough to send all copies of Mr Miserable straight to the recycling bank. He thinks he looks like the white version of Howard from the Halifax ads, but all that I can see is Mr Potato Head. See if you can spot the difference!
It’s a relief when the potato starts to sprout, and transmute into item No.1/2 – Chris-come-Ariel!
No. 2, Arielle Soumer, is chuffed to bits by the colour-change, and launches straight into a rant about a scorge of invaders who’ve moved into Brixton.
Apparently a herd of pale and pasty freaks have been stealing jobs (and chicken) away from the native Afro-Caribbeans. Down on her luck, Ariel wants revenge and is homing in on some kind of a financial arrangement with an elderly front-row ogler. He’s all up for it, but his wife’s none too ….
Ariel, shift – now!
Item no. 3. Louie Green!
No? Not Louie? Where’s Louie? What’s all this about taking a break for a pint and a curry?
The vegi curry was tasty enough (can’t vouch for flavour of the meaty version), but appearance-wise, no. 3’s got to be my top-favourite mutation of the flesh – just love Louie Green’s leg tattoos!
Unfortunately, Lou’s gone in for a January reveal, i.e. a big-time cover-up, and this evening, all we get is a glimpse of no. 3’s skeletal arms! Come on, Louie, show us the full kaboodle!
Luckily, I can give you a sneak preview from his summer-season debut – so back-track yourselves and lap this one up!
Sadly, beyond his role as a Tattoo Parlour’s Pin-Up, Louie doesn’t find it so easy to form real relationships. Like Arielle, our Louie, has to pull out the financial card to even have a hope of getting into a friendship couple!
And, by way of reward for his efforts, Louie’s had all sorts of bizarre interactions with self-service card readers; a particular favourite of his being Aldi – great for an insert-it-quick one, him being a young stud with a hectic schedule.
Have to say that I don’t share No.3’s love of the fast lane. Aldi’s not the best for us middling folk who like to potter, hovering around with our zimmer frames, taking our time with sampling the goods, poking and prodding, selecting and rejecting, dawdling until we drop.
Oh the errors of youth!
Just as well that item no. 4 turns out to be the ghostly mirage of Paul Merryk!
Paul, forever stuck mid-throe, in his end-of-life crisis, just has to be more Waitrose than Aldi!
Paul’s no Waitrose man. And he hasn’t even made the grade for Tesco’s wonky veg! In fact, due to his desperate need for gastric band surgery, Paul hasn’t even made it to Aldi’s reject bank! To be fair, then the outlook’s pretty tragic, as due to one or two addictions that we won’t mention here, Item no.4 doesn’t even qualify for recovery on the NHS.
And what, with all that rushing around, stopping and collapsing, I’m relieved to get back to the bidding for the original old Mr Potato Head. To give him his due, then it has to be said that Chris Norton-Walker can always be relied upon to splice things up a bit!
Time to head over to the bar for a quick snack …
Item no.5? There’s another one? Forget that! Can’t have Walker’s without a follow-up pint!
See ya later …..
Copyright owned by The Silly-Savvy Salopian, January 2020
Come and see a Suffolk Punch Comedy Club gig for yourself. Free entry. First Wednesday of every month @ The Brewery Tap, East Street, Sudbury, Suffolk. The show starts at 8pm. Donations for Prostate Cancer Research gratefully received.