Can’t believe its been three years since our founder, PJ, launched the best comedy club in Suffolk. Even Louis Green, today’s emcee, is still to make the three-year milestone! Louis, bless his silly socks, was only birthed into PJ’s world two years ago.
Fabulous – I’ve now given myself earworms! The song ‘Once, twice, three times a lady!’ has got stuck in the maze that is my brain, and refused to be extradited. Even substituting the word ‘lady’ for ‘comedian’ doesn’t get rid of it. Have a better idea – I’ll hand the worm over to you! Just click on this link: Three Times a Lady.
Back to the point!
Louis!
How can he be ignored? Two years a comedian, and he’s already done for – just look at the rust seeping out of him! I’m trying to pity him – after all, Louis’ parents did, used to punish his misdemeanours by ‘waterboarding’!
Putting his rusty cogs aside, then I find it easier to side with his parents. I mean, how does our Louis know that a pack of ‘Nachos’ is the ‘loudest snack’ one can munch upon in a ‘cinema’? Everyone knows that the best jokes come from first-hand experience.
“Louis, were you the Nacho kid?”
I have to admit, though, that Louis’ best jokes are the ones he’s told many times over. Every time he performs at The Tap, I find his recycled jokes a hundredfold funnier than the last time! But perhaps that’s just me? Was always a bit slow – not dense (or silly) – I just like to savour the flavour …
Anyway, out with the old (for now) and in with the new (and the small). Matt Something-or-Other’s up next. Have a feeling I’m going to love him – what there is of him to love! Yes, he’s a bit of a titbit this one – in a barely there sort of a way!
A titbit with a penchant for ‘smelly’ men – Matt’s spent so much of his life tucked under sweaty armpits, he’s become acclimatise to the fumes!
And, yes, Matt really is as tiny as this photo! To give you an idea how he compares with the smallest, most sweetest smelling, of us ladies, then let’s take a look at the following image:
Personally speaking, then I’m far too lazy to play around with the technology and pop Matt’s thoughts in for him but, with a little imagination, perhaps you can take a play date with him? How about: Don’t fancy getting lost in her, but if that blogger-come -photographer would only give up on the photo shoot, I could nip around her back and climb into the pits of the tall guy!
“Quit all the lamentations about your ex-fiancé, Matt – hardly surprising you ‘lost her’ at your ‘stag do’!
But, Matt, it’s time for you to move on from the ‘bright lights’ of The Tap! I do have to confess, mind, that, being a big fan of The Borrowers, I find you extremely entertaining – still, get yourself back under the floorboards! You’re off and …”
… The Dunwich Dynamo, David Luck, is on!
Not that he’s overly dynamic. He’s telling witty one-liners at the pace of a snail. It’s a bit like going through the experience of testing out one’s vocal chords, following tonsil removal, by letting one’s raucous laughter out e v e r s o s l o w l y …
Yes, the whole audience thing is excruciatingly painful, which is why I’ve asked our emcee, PJ, to bring the Dynamo back ASAP! Pretty sure I’ll get loads of views with the word masochist shoe-horned into this post!
Still, back to the theme of the wee things, whilst I’m watching the Dynamo slither away, I almost miss seeing the pint-sized hobbit!
Adam Bromley’s here, in The Tap, and he’s desperate to be seen! I dig into my fanny bag for my Poundland specs, and try to focus on the present.
Found him!
Adam’s starting on about how he used to be hyperactive.
Used to be? Just take a look at him jigging about with his mic, tripping over the electrics – reckon Adam’s short of a dancing partner!
I guess options, in the Shires, are pretty limited – the only female of a suitable age for Adam, Pippin’s mother, Pimpernel Took, has already been taken!
What’s that, I hear? ‘Jay, you’re not funny, so quit talking out yer f**ny flaps and don’t give up the day job?’ Too late, the day job’s been dumped! Like it or lump it – you’re all stuck with me. Await my stand-up debut – any bookers out there got a slot to fill? (Not that kind of slot – I’m gender-fixed!)
Talking of stand-ups, then I really hate sit-downs – I mean, who wants to make skin contact with all the drops of wee from other ladies’ bottoms?
Sorry, supposed to be promoting Adam’s jokes – not my own lost efforts!
But, I reckon you’d rather be left sitting and mulling over what the wee joke was in my last piece of wit, than being told to picture a teensy-weeny wee Bromley drowning in the outpourings of his own ‘giant meta-w**k’!
How rude! These hobbits need to stop sorting themselves out, otherwise they’ll soon be on the list of endangered species!
So with that, I’ll leave you with ….
Ladies – stand up!
I’ve lost my dangleberry*!
Copyright owned by Jay Cool, September 2019
P.S. No, I haven’t really forgotten to blog about the debut of ****! It’s just that it took some time to prise her away from my ex-dangleberry. She’s here now, although for some reason, I don’t think that I’m her new bestfriend! This is she …
Like myself, Sadia Azmatt ‘really likes eggs’. She reckons that they get a bit cracked up the trauma of all the bad press reports they get, courtesy of the old egg-lady. No, I don’t mean the lady who used to come round with a delivery van and sell you fresh eggs, if you had an old egg tray to nest them into.
Sadia has a feeling of kinship, or empathy, with the wee chicks because, ‘like Muslims’ they very few of them actually ‘kill you’. By the exception to that, I take it she means the egg that I popped into the microwave yesterday.
Tragically, against all the odds, I survived to tell the tale! Although it does help to explain why my hair colour has faded from orange to more of a yolk-yellow shade of sunniness! But, just feel the texture of it! Softer than Andrex toilet roll! Because I’m known for my generosity, I will end things here with my recipe for my home-made conditioner
Copyright of the P.S. owned by Jay Cool, 5th September 2019
Recommended site for those with a thing about hobbits: List of Hobbits
And, more importantly, for would-be comedians and gigglers – a Facebook link to Suffolk Punch Comedy Club.
Comedians perform every first Wednesday of every month at The Brewery Tap, East Street, Sudbury, Suffolk. Free entry. Donations for prostate cancer research appreciated.
*Dangleberry = poo hanging from one’s bottom hairs
**Late announcement! Matt has a surname. I have been reliably informed that he is none other than Matt Wills!
Image of Hobbit by Gerlock from Pixabay.
Please do read, like and comment on the following posts by Jay Cool:
Womenostop
9: Floats & Giggles
Or head over to the Colchester Scribblers Meetup group!
The Silly-Savvy Salopian in Suffolk: read, believe and write ... 