No mango cider? This has to be a mistake. Why am I not at my local, The Brewery Tap, glugging down one of my five a day?
What’s lured me out of my comfort zone? Who’s lured me out?
PJ, why Lamarsh? I’m rather partial to The Tap!
Ah, now I see it! Louie Green! I must be here to see the top notch comedian Louis! Almost missed him – think he’s attempting to slim himself down with vertical strips. But this all a bit too much – he blends in with the walls and carpet so well, he’s virtually in his camouflage gear!
Still, once I’ve got my eyes into focus, I realise that Louie’s telling some hot jokes about the love of his life – Theresa May! Yes, he really did say that name in the same sentence as talking about his favourite film, Love Actually, and he even looked a little teary as he said it, so I actually think he’s genuine. He’s claiming the affinity comes from her dancing skills (reckon he’s hoping for a spot on Strictly, with Theresa as his coach!), but I suspect that he just wants to undress her – and all for the sake of sprucing her up again! I’d even go so far as to suggest that he’s the real author of this article in the Daily Mail! I mean, just take a look at the 7th image – it’s all Louie!
Louie and Theresa … Sweet!
Anyway, moving on from Louie Green and his cruder than crude (just up my street) jokes about Theresa May, James Corden and sympathy sex (a threesome that doesn’t bear thinking about!) ….
…, I need to check out this evening’s second comedian – none other than the international celebrity, Martin Westgate!
Martin’s here to represent Norwich, which goes some way towards explaining his appearance!
And judging by the raucous female laughter, then I’m guessing the ladies are no strangers to the temptations of Norfolk’s hotspot. Sure enough, when I zoom in on the audience, I catch many a fond glimpse, as the ladies look towards their loved ones.
I guess there aren’t too many menfolk in the marshes to be had for procreation purposes.
Yes, the ladies of Lamarsh are lapping it up, or, rather, lapping Martin Westgate up. They’re weeing themselves over everything Norwich that spills from his mouth, be it ‘mustard’, ‘Alan Partridge’ or ‘inbreeding’.
What I really don’t get, is why the BGT judges, given Simon Cowell’s penchant for all things canine-related, gave Norwich’s Martin Westgate the golden buzz-off! Simon, Cheryl, Amanda … get this man, this thing, this hybrid back up that stage! He’s about to hit the big time, with or without you, so you may as well take the credit!
And, on that final note, buzz off Martin! PJ, East Anglia’s funniest emcee is on …
Oops, false alarm … I was seeing things again ..
“PJ, where are you? Stage fright?”
It’s not PJ at all – it’s Mad Ron!
But what’s happened to the ladies of Lamarsh? Why have they all gone silent? Why are they shaking and reaching for their comfort chews?
Is Mad Ron why!
Even I, Jay Cool, the Coolest, most-mellowed-out blogger in the country, am trembling. And, no – not with desire – but with fear! Ron is not just mad, he’s scary in the same way that his doppelganger, Phil Mitchell, is scary! This is not someone to be sought after, dated or laughed at – this is a man to avoid!
Ladies, sit back down! You’ve paid for your seats – the bangers and mash were only a small part of the evening. Best to stay and confront your demons – confront the beast!
But whilst I’m still working out how to get hold of at least one of my five-a-day cider rations, Mad Ron’s banging on about his five-a-day crimes! I decide not to call in the cops – Mad Ron could be useful.
Ron, next time you nick a 40inch flatscreen TV from PC World, pick up a spare one! I still haven’t progressed beyond the old tanker model – and now I’ve given up the day job – there’s little hope of a replacement anytime soon! But we could do a deal Ron, in return for my PR skills!
(I surely can’t be the only one in need of a flatscreen, can I?)
Or, perhaps I can be of service to you for your forthcoming tour. You need a driver don’t you, to rescue you from your next performance in the HSBC venue? I’m here!
(Do they even have flatscreen TVs in HSBC?)
But Mad Ron doesn’t want me. Seems my 5cc Dacia Sandero isn’t the thing either – whether that be for a quick getaway or a quick resale! No recommendations from Jay Cool for you, Mad Ron!
Sadly, the Dacia (DD)’s not playing ball. The SAT Nav’s playing up, and just as I contemplate whether to turn left or right out of The Lamarsh Lion‘s carpark, DD coughs and splutters to a stop.
“PJ! PJ! Any chance of a lift?”
But PJ’s standing there in the car park, gazing at an empty space where, once stood his very elegant Llamborghini Aventador!
“I guess we’re both walking then? How many miles from Lamarsh to Sudbury? How are your knees holding up these days, PJ?”
Copyright owned by Jay Cool, Wednesday, 18th September, 2019
Images of comedians Louie Green, Martin Westgate, PJ and Mad Ron by photographer Jay Cool (don’t purchase a Nokia 5!)
All other images courtesy of Pixabay.com
The Suffolk Punch Comedy Club advertises events on its Facebook page. For those in the market for a free event, be at The Brewery Tap, Sudbury, Suffolk, on the first Wednesday of every month by 8pm. Donations for prostate cancer research always welcomed!
P.S. For those who insist upon it, then here’s the real Martin Westgate – spot the difference!
When you have found at least five differences, read, like and comment on the following posts: