Under the Stars with Mary Webb

I first shook hands with cousin, Mary, on a visit to Much Wenlock.  I believe with all sincerity, that she saw me looking lost and desperate. I had mislaid Hubby and Sprogs, and was wandering around aimlessly in a downpour of rain. In a rare moment of clarity, it had occurred to me that I really ought to seek to reattach myself to my living, if similarly bedraggled family, when cousin Mary (bless her soul!) grabbed my right hand and yanked me through the doorway of the Tourist Information Centre!

much wenlock collage

She was not without intent; it soon became apparent that I was supposed to gaze at photographs of herself, and to spend time familiarising myself with her life story. Unfortunately, I at this point became aware of a very real and fleshy, if somewhat chilly, hand, pulling me out of my reverie.

“Where have you been? We’ve been looking everywhere for you. Dad’s getting mad. It’s time to go back to the car!”

“But ….”

“No, you can’t have more time. We’ve already looked in here and it’s boring. You have to come now!”

Needless to say, I had no choice but to obey the commands of my youngest sprog and organiser. Abandoning cousin Mary, I attempted pacification of her tormented spirit my muttering the promise, that I would reconnect with her, via Google, as soon as I was able.

And here I am, as we speak, taking sidelong glances at the yellowed and torn, old dust-jacket of the 1947 edition of the ‘Fifty-One Poems’ of Mary Webb, complete with wood engravings by none other than the illustrator, Joan Hassall.

Don’t get me wrong, this is not the first time I’ve had occasion to reacquaint myself  with cousin Mary. Last year, courtesy of Amazon, I had the revelatory experience of reading her novel ‘Precious Bane’. I say revelatory, because,  by the time I’d reached the second chapter, a flashbulb memory made an appearance, and it dawned upon me that I already knew the plot.

Little did I know, when I began this adventure, that I’d watched the film version of ‘Precious Bane’ way back in my youthful 80s. (As in the 1980s, not when I was 80, you dimwit – there’s not a wrinkle in the hairy mole under my chin!) The image of a young woman, Pru Sarns, being tied to a ducking stool and accused of witchcraft, all for the crime of having a harelip, had embedded itself into my episodic memory for eternity (shame the author’s identity hadn’t made the same lasting impression on my seven-year old self).

But, as Brown and Kulik (1) concluded (and why would A Level textbook psychologists be wrong?), we remember experiences that hit us hard in the solar plexus. Pru Sarn’s traumatic experience, to my mind then, was akin to a terrifying playground incident, in an Aberdonian school, in which my break-time treat, a juicy-sweet green apple, hurtled out of my hand onto a gritty-concrete playground, courtesy of a violent push from behind by an older girl (herself being a fellow ginger!) for the crime of being ginger and English.

Yes, I could relate to a character who, like myself, found it so hard to fit in that she had given up on trying. Gripped, just as I had been at nineteen years of age, at forty-seven, I read on to the end – a necessity, when one is trying to establish whether her middle-aged memory is indeed still functional. And I was right; Pru Sarns was indeed dunked into the village pond. I might have there and then sunk into a deep depression, had it not been for the bit of memory I had not retained. Pru didn’t, after all, drown! She was rescued by her knight in shining armour, the local weaver, Kester Woodseaves. Brown and Kulik really did have something; without ever having laid down a similar personal memory, I had forgotten all about the handsome Kester, because I, Jay Cool, am still awaiting to be rescued! (2)

In the meantime, though, I’m stuck in a rut in Suffolk and I need to earn a private living (3). Time to return to ‘Fifty-One Poems’!

I get off to a promising start with a reading of ‘Master of the Coppice’:

 

Travellers paused in the muddy lane to hear

The thrush that sang so late –

Alone in the clear dusk, with a voice as clear –

To himself and the moon and the mate: (4)

 

At this point, I feel sure that cousin Mary doesn’t just hang around in the hotspots of Shropshire: Much Wenlock, Leighton and Ellesmere. She’s been here; here in Suffolk – and, what’s more, she stopped by and heard me;

Mary, her soul, did linger here

To listen to my voice so cool, and clear –

’tis true it was late; the delay cost her great

She went back and jumped in the mere! (5)

I’m a tad put out by Mary’s reaction to my melodic tones but, nevertheless, out of politeness (two wrongs don’t make a right!), I persevere with my perusal of her creative outputs:

Like little showers of brown and golden leaves

When autumn gales along the meadows roll,

Now fall the doctrines that have clothed the soul.

Among some lingering few the Great Wind grieves,

Till the tree stands denuded utterly,

In stern and sorrowful simplicity. (6)

It’s all about location, and I ask myself whether ‘The Great Wind’ is set in Shropshire, or in Suffolk? For I feel that I have just the photographs to accompany my cousin’s work of wonder. I mumble a quick apology to Joan Hassall, artist of the fine etchings in the original collection, and dip into my collection of Google photographs:

aut sud collage

And, again, I put to you the evidence. Mary Webb has been here, with me, her many-times-genetically-removed-but-close-in-talent cousin – here, in autumnal Suffolk!

In the face of such undeniable proof, I write a tribute poem, an acknowledgement of the remarkable ancestral twinning of Suffolk and Shropshire:

Such dainty shoes of brown and orange

that hug the poet’s arthritis –

they pause there on the steps awhile

to crunch the leaves in their denial

that, like the leaves, they’re on the change –

with treads, that have neuritis

I’m pretty certain I’ve done enough, now, to convince all of you rich people out there (publishers, editors … milionaires!) to fish out my contact details, arrange to send me a big fat payment, and set me to task on producing some mind-blowing content for yourselves. Just think … to have a relative of all the great thinkers and doers that ever set foot on Salopian soil, creating great works of literature – just for you!

But, whilst awaiting your email, I’m hopping into my Dacia – time to rescue cousin Mary from the mire in Ellesmere (my Dacia is special – it can teleport itself to an of my ancestral haunts in Shropshire!).

 

 

ellesmere collage

Copyright of text and photographs owned by Jay Cool, February 2019

 

(1) Brown, R.; Kulik, J. (1977). “Flashbulb Memories”. Cognition. 5 (1): 73–99. doi:10.1016/0010-0277(77)90018-X.

(2) Not by my hubby, or any other morsel of self-acclaimed manhood (*), you buffoons! I’m waiting for my lottery win. Just the ticket to rescue me from the day job!

(3) Writing commissions welcomed from all wealthy readers!

(4) Webb, Mary, (1946; 1947). ‘Master of the Coppice’ in Fifty-One Poems: p.9: lines 1-4.

(5) Cool, Jay, (2019). ‘A Shropshire Lass in Suffolk’ in this blog post.

(6) Webb, (1946; 1947). ‘The Great Wind’, p.16: lines 1-6.

(7) Cool, Jay, (2019). ‘The Change’ in this blog post.

(*) With the exception of Simon Cowell

The Burnout

‘Plasticine’ image courtesy of Pixabay.com
I pull plasticine out of my ears.
On and on and on it comes, seeming to have no end to it.
It’s coming out so fast, I don’t know what to do with it, how to manage it, so I wrap it
around myself – until my body, like my head, becomes
soft.
My giddiness and
my sickness
subsides into
softness and
senselessness
as my whole
self is sub-
sumed by the
nonsensical.
Copyright owned by Jay Cool, February 2019
 
 
 
Inspiration taken from the poem ‘NDN Poetics’ by Billy-Ray Belcourt.

 

Doldrum Blue

‘Butterfly Blue’ image by Stergo (Pixabay.com)
As doldrum blue adorns the sky
Frost, the poet, tattoos my thigh
His butterfly, I try to shoo
It’s ice-cold burn bites me right through
It’s not my thing to have the sky
Complete with bugs upon my thigh
I try to say I love it not
But does he listen? Not a jot!
I do not want the beasts from high
Trapped down here, as they might die
They’ll dry and wrinkle with my skin
And start to sag, as I grow thin
At Frost, the jerk, I glare and sigh
I’d like to bake him in a pie
With prong, I’d see him done right through
His top, I’d glaze with icing blue!
Copyright owned by Jay Cool, 2019
 
Inspiration take from the poem ‘Fragmentary Blue’, by Robert Frost.

 

Lusty Low-Life at The Tap

Been an age since I’ve had the pleasure of a (no, not that!) pint of mango cider. The taste of rotten apples is by far superior to the taste of whatever was on your mind (yes, I’m well aware of the quality of my readership, thankyou!)!

But it’s been well worth the wait, as I’m greeted with a sight for sore eyes. My bestest comedian, Joe Fletcher-Cross, is on our comedy club billing tonight, and she is looking absolutely stunning. I’m not sure when she’s been in my house, but she’s dressed up as a replica of my wonderful book-filled study. Grab your sunglasses and take a look at this:

 

Joe is the real thing – a book lover’s paradise! I book my flight and attempt to jump straight on in. Tragically, I am held up on the walkway by an over-zealous flight attendant, who tells me I’m not allowed to take my own booze on board. Sorry, Joe, I’ll come back to you later!

Luckily, sitting across from me is Dom Mackie, my other bestest comedian, and judging by the ricketty table his pint of beer (yes, you tell me it’s a soft drink, Dom, but I know alcohol when I see it) is complaining about, then I reckon Dom’s been here at The Tap, for quite some time. A pub table is really not the best place for a rendezvous with one of the local babes, Dom. Next time, treat yourself to a luxury room at The Mill. At this point, Dom abandons said table and brings himself over to join the literati of Sudbury. He looks chuffed with himself – not at all surprising, as he had just joined the ranks of the world-famous blogger and photographer, Jay Cool! Pencil-ready, I get down to business (blogging business, you lusty low-life!).

Danny Mark’s up first bemoaning the rising cost of Tesco’s Value shower gel.  Looks like he watched ****, before making his New Year’s resolution to stay dry. Unfortunately, he seems to think a dry month entails smothering oneself in gallons of blue gel, and then treating oneself to a blow dry, minus the pre-requisite rinse – all in some grand effort to save on water bills. And this is what we are presented with:

Wikimedia.commons.org

I’m guessing he was probably aiming for this kind of a look …

Pixabay.com

which might have been quite sexy in a cool and detached kind of a way – but, hey, Danny, don’t stress! One can’t have it all, can one? And us punters at The Tap, quite liked the old you. You remember? The one in ‘better shape’, with a couple of stone’s worth of padding around the waist for the punters to get attached to! This Danny Mark:

Ryan Cork’s up next and he’s here to lift us all out of the blue doldrums:

His Hawaiin- style shirt doesn’t quite live up to the momentum created by Joe’s bookcase, but it does transport me (and everyone else? No, I’m there on my own!) to a sun-filled beach, full of a young Hasselhoff, whose man tool matches the colour of Ryan’s cheeks:

imag in the Public Domain

Drawn back into reality, I settle myself in to be entertained by Ryan’s worldly tales of weed, Sudoku puzzles and Teletubbies. To be fair, then I do see Ryan’s link with the latter;

image from Wikipedia.org (free to share & use commercially)
Ryan Corks from Colchester

I decide it’s time to abandon Ryan and his rants about goats’ piss, egg plants and lady gardens, in favour of a chat with Joe Bloggs, soundman for the ‘Lady Boys of Bangkok’. Because a freelancer’s life is all about networking, and I wouldn’t mind going on a tour with the ladies. Reckon they need a blogger, Joe? Can you put a word in for me? Pass on my calling card?

But Joe’s not listening. Our next comedian, Jake Sears has taken to the stage, and Joe Bloggs of Sudbury is utterly and totally transfixed.

I turn to take in the competition. And what I see before me is not Jake Sears, but a cross between Michael Buble, Adolf Hitler and Donald Trump:

To be fair, then Jake does tell better jokes than his doppelganger Trump and, as I absorb the fallout from Jake’s ‘dripping sweat’, ‘wet farts’ and  ‘premature ejaculations’, I become a truly sodden convert. This man’s no Hitler; Jake’s got balls in the plural! Is there nothing our Jake from Hemel Hempstead can’t do? Can he be an old lady’s dream?

flickr.com (creative commons0

I take myself off to the ladies’ for a quick blow dry and return just in time to witness the splendid state antics of my No.1 comedian, Dom Mackie! I’m disappointed. He hasn’t taken my advice; instead of selling himself as clone of Edith Head, he’s still laying claim to be Sue Perkins’ twin! I ask you to judge for yourself, who is correct on this one!

 

‘Edith Head’ (creative commons on Bing)

Turns out our Dom’s trying to hit the big time; seems that The Brewery Tap, Sudbury’s equivalent to the O2, isn’t able to contain him any longer. Our Dom’s just applied for a spot on ‘Love Island’ and, due to his dodgy but successful identity fraud, his application’s been accepted! But, being best mates with Caroline Flack, I’m in on plans for the next ‘unexpected’ plot twist:

‘Lonely Penguin’ by Kim Farnik (Flickr.com)

Keep checking out Jay Cool’s blogs for updates, as we chart Dom’s progress from the small-time East Anglian comedy club circuit, to celebrity status, as he hosts his own Hebridean show.

In the meantime, compere PJ, braces us to prepare ourselves for the climax; for the one and only and very excited Joe Fletcher-Cross! Whilst Dom’s been planning his escape from Sudbury’s hotspot, Joe’s travelled 500 miles from Glasgow – sustained on a diet of hot cucumbers – just to be here. Here in the midst of it all. Here in the throbbing crowds of the drunken old letches of Sudbury. Why? The answer’s in her genetic heritage; Joe’s fearful of falling prey to ‘The Glasgow Effect’. She tells us that folk like her have a low life expectancy. For Joe, this is all a one-off, a last chance saloon trip – the experience of a lifetime.

Joe Fletcher-Cross wearing Jay Cool’s dream book collection

 

Don’t fret, Joe – leave us your dress (signed!) and, through the words of wisdom in that book collection, you can live on forever.

Come on, while PJ’s doing the closing blurb, nip into the ladie’s, whip it off and hand it over. No, you won’t look at all silly flying back to Glasgow in your undies! That sort ot thing is all the rage these days!

‘Witch’ courtesy of clipart-library.com (creative commons)

 

Copyright of text, & photographs of comedians, owned by Jay Cool, February 2019

To see more of the aforesaid comedians for yourselves, be at The Brewery Tap, East Street, Sudbury, Suffolk, on the first Wednesday of every month for an evening of free entertainment and laughter. The Suffolk Punch Comedy Club gig starts at 8pm, but there are barrels of mango cider and rickety tables aplenty – for the convenience of early arrivals.

 

Therapist

counselling-3630323_1280
Pixabay.com

I take her on a journey through the mess in my house:

the sweet wrappers, looking pretty, with a shiny red glow;
and the cereal boxes, turned in on themselves, and painted white;
and the half-full bottles of spinach juice; the glitter sparkling; and
the beige foundation – crumbling and sinking into salmon pink.
She looks bemused. Most of her clients, I imagine, purge themselves
of errant husbands and inadequate parents. Depressing and depressed.
I expect to leave, pressed into the service of a bin liner and a vacuum
cleaner. Instead, I leave – elated. Ecstatic. Transformed. Morphed.
I am an object of great joy and beauty. Full of the colours of my existence,
I take myself off to the Tate Modern and get into position. The people stop
by, remark on my texture, my richness, my uniqueness – my value.
I think no more; therefore I am.
Copyright owned by Jay Cool, February 2019
 
Inspired by the poem ‘On Anger’, by Rage Hezekiah.

To You For Whom They Are Made

‘Globe Trotter’ image courtesy of Pixabay.com
Songs, unfinished.
Novels, half-written.
Journeys, unblogged.
Poems, unrhymed.
Words, mish-mashed.
Randomness, untamed.
Workocks, nirked.
Copyright owned by Jay Cool, February 2019
Inspired by ‘Fishmonger’, by Marsden Hartley.

Macrophage

When my sanity shattered, and my soul gave up,
I stood there and stared at the stars.
A faraway fragment, a shard of my mind,
did sparkle and shine, quite dazzling and fine.
I watched it take form, as its eyeballs danced;
saw it open its mouth and take up its stance.
It captured and swallowed whatever it saw,
licked on its lips, and munched on some more.
Fat on the joyless, it cheered up no end.
Seeing my purpose, I stepped forth to mend.
Copyright owned by Jay Cool
Inspired by ‘After He’s Decided to Leave’, by Elizabeth Acevedo.

Alternative Living

SAM_2403.JPG
‘View From Nesscliffe, Little Ness, near Myddle, Shropshire’ by Jay Cool

I live far, far away in a cold, cold cave.

Curled up, warmed by a horse’s breath.
Knowing that, in the morning, I will ride out on my mount
and look down at passers by, feeling smug.
Pitying them for their dull routines and their
motorised lives, as women and men – both –
drone on and on, robotically and relentlessly
pursuing the goals of the other people.
I know, of course, that nothing passes by.
That neither the cars, or the here people, move.
The view, below, stays forever static – and
un-moving. A glitch in the program, a stitch
holding strong. The here people glued to the
Shrewsbury ghost road. Empty white sheets
frozen fast to the line. Elated – and still smug –
I wrap my arms around Beezlebub’s neck and
soar.
Copyright owned by Jay Cool, The Silly-Savvy Salopian, February 2019
Inspired by the poem ‘Vanishment’, by Jordan Rice.
‘Beezlebub’ is a reference to the horse that accompanied my ancestor, Sir Humphrey Kynaston (notorious outlaw) of Kynaston’s Cave, Nesscliffe, Shropshire.