Savvy Letter – Dear Bannatyne

                                                                                                                       Cool Cave                                                                                                                       Cliff-top Edge                                                                                                                       Collapsing Village                                                                                                                       Suffolk                                                                                                                       3rd October 2019

Dear Bannatyne,

I have no idea who or what you are, except for the fact that you are in residence at Clarice House, Colchester.

But, I do have it on good authority that you have been stepping up the caffeine and letting yourself go a little of late. It really is not good for you to have more than ten cups of coffee a day. This, I know, because I drink far in excess of that many cups myself!

At this moment, having just slurped down the last dregs of my fourth mug of Blackwell & Company’s economy brand, I now feel compelled to leave my beloved swivel chair to refill the kettle, and go in for a fifth.

My current situation is made worse by the mammothonian size of my ‘Freudian Sips’ coffee mug, as I fear it likely that just one of these mugfuls might contain a quantity equivalent to three cups. Don’t knock me – someone got rid of the family heirlooms, my late grandmother’s leaf-embossed cups and saucers, and the charity shops in my local town have not reproduced the goods. Still, back to the …

… point!

The point? What is the point?

Oh yes, your excessive reliance on caffeine! Why oh why have you given up on the decaff? I am sorry to have to inform you that your lack has made headline news. Your deficiency has even been discussed by a family of throw-back Neanderthals, who dwell in a clifftop-cave, seventeenish whole miles away in Chilton.

What are you playing at? Restock on the decaff! You have paying visitors, camping on your doorstep, in the waiting!

Get with it and get onto it!

Yours seriously,

Jay Cool, The Silly-Savvy Salopian in Suffolk

P.S. When you have ordered in your decaff, please feel free to peruse my savvy tips about creative writing!

Disclaimer: I have never paid a visit to Bannatyne. As previously stated, I am writing this plea on the behalf of the hearsay! And, as for me, then I’m sticking to the caffeine!

Published by The Silly-Savvy Salopian

Freelance writer and descendant of the cave dweller and outlaw, Humphrey Kynaston. Banished from Shropshire for my eccentricity, I have made my home in Suffolk. I write poetry, short stories, travel journals, comedy gig reviews and non-fiction articles. My wish is to write my way back into the heart of my birth land. All writing commissions (and free holidays in Shropshire!) considered.

4 thoughts on “Savvy Letter – Dear Bannatyne

  1. Trusting entirely your persuasive literary skills I copied this missive to my health club, the afore mentioned Bannatynes. I received a rather curt reply stating that my membership would be terminated unless I could assure them that I would always have a carer with me!

    Liked by 1 person

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