If the environmental issues featured in this post touch a chord with you, please also view posts by my fellow blogger The Wandering Ambivert.

So I’ve given up the day job! But, almost a month into my sabbatical, how am I faring?

Have a made a single penny out of my blogging? No.

Have I written more than six chapters of my latest novel? No.

Have I become the most successful freelance writer on the planet? No. Not even in Suffolk! Not even in my own street, or in my own household – Sprog 2 has more followers for his rap battles than I do for any of my own ramblings!

So what’s going on? What am I? What have I become? A prevaricator? Possibly …

A tad downhearted, and still recovering from my last nightmare about the day job (in which I had turned up for work, even though I didn’t work there anymore – how embarrassing!), I browse through the websites of the few followers I do have. And it turns out that the Wandering Ambivert is just the pick-me-up I need.

This guy lives in South Africa and his video clips feature close-up shots alternating of the native plants and animal life. Immediately, I am magically transported to lands my redundancy funds just won’t stretch to. I’m there – in Cape Town, watching a snail emerge from it’s shell – a shy-retiring type, venturing out into the wild for a quick adrenaline boost!

I, Jay Cool, the cave-dwelling hermit, who occasionally pops out to show off a new hat or tutu, can relate to the performing-snail and the film-maker. And I’m pleased to be presented with a new label for my condition.

Ambivert. Jay Cool, The Menopausal-Salopian Ambivert in Cape Town!

But, of course, I’m not really in Cape Town – that’s all just a fantasy, brought to life a little by a video clip – a virtual world inside the cave of my own head.

Or am I over-thinking things? Am I too much inside my own head – my own cave? Time, I think, to get out of here! Time for my own adrenaline kick.

Silly hat? Wig? Tutu? No. It was chucking it down with rain earlier, and I don’t want any of the specimens in my collection ruined. I grab my Poundland favourites instead – a litter-picker and a black-bin bag – both accessories being cheap, cheerful and waterproof!

Funny … this is no virtual world – it’s Chilton and it’s real. And a little pink starlet grows in the hedgerow. It’s beautiful and I can almost imagine myself to be in Cape Town …

Wait!

No imagination required. I am in Cape Town. I’m in Cape Town and I’m in Chilton, and it’s all one and the same – just take a look at the trash! Before I’ve even walked 200 metres from my cave, I have a full and heavy bagful of: plastic bottles (some containing a yellowish liquid!), beer cans, McDonald’s cardboard food containers and paper cups, electrical components, cigarette ends, sweet wrappers …. and the list goes on. I hate lists! Must be a hangover from all that ‘list of three’ stuff they teach in schools these days! Lists traumatise the soul (which is why I must now stop ranting on about them!).

Stop.

Instead of completing the l**t, which has no end, I will present you with a visual sample. Here goes …

Isn’t it beautiful! No, not the flower, or the litter – me (see stunner below)! And, if I put the flower and the litter and me together, I’m in Cape Town. Cape Town and Chilton. So many miles apart, and yet so close that one can easily be mistaken for the other.

At the 200 metre milestone (metrestone?), my bin bag is so full and heavy that it’s splitting. Also, I’m a little conscious that the last plastic bottle picked up, may well be full of the purged contents of some lorry driver’s bladder; it touched the outside of the bin bag – might it have come into contact with my hands?

Holding the bin bag at arm’s length, I return to my cave and chuck the lot into my black bin. And now? A quick photo opportunity. Hair’s a bit weathered! Where’s that hat?

Babergh Council, I hand it over to you to deal with! And, whilst you’re on the line, how about scrapping your ill-judged plans for a housing development on Chilton’s WW2 airfield? I love my walks on the old airfield – so many wild flowers, berries and photo shot opportunities! You’ve just moved some gypsies on from a piece of insignificant mowed grass on Chilton’s Bovis development, because they had parked their caravans there (temporary dwellings!), and put their beautiful ponies to graze, and now you want to build permanent eyesores on land rich with local history and wildlife. What is going on with you? None of it makes sense! What is this twisted logic?

Rant over.

For now!

Lorry drivers – by all means bottle up your urine if you have to, but instead of chucking the bottle out into the hedgerows of Waldingfield Road, take it home with you! Water your garden plants with it, pour it into your compost, flush it down the loo, or drink it (it has been known to save lives!)!

BUT DON’T CHUCK IT OUT FOR ME TO PICK UP! IT’S TOO WEIGHTY FOR MY POUNDLAND LITTER PICKER AND BIN BAGS – AND I CAN’T AFFORD THE UPGRADES!

TAKE YOUR OWN P**S WITH YOU!

Rant over.

REALLY!

 

Copyright of text and photos owned by Jay Cool, 25th September, 2019

P.S. Poundland have just been on the phone! Seems they want me for an extended photo shoot over in France! They’re booking me a flight and chalet, sending out a load of samples, and their top cameraman! I’m going to be the face of their new campaign! All economy, of course! Here’s a pic of the chalet I’ll be staying in. Can’t wait!

P.P.S. Being a big-time influencer, I must insist that you take a look at the following works of wonder and genius! Please read, like, comment and share!

Silly Poem – Instant Soulmate

Savvy Article – Boris & Donald

Savvy Comedy – Lamarsh

Savvy Book – Giving a F**k