Now that Chewbacca’s facial hair has taken its leave from my throat, curtesy of a half a cherry cider, I’m feeling pretty chippers. I’m so chirpy that I’m thinking the brand name for the cider, Cheery Old Dudda, is more than apt. The aftertaste of sweet cherries has certainly put a spring into this old Dudda’s step. Of course, I’ve got no idea what a Dudda is, but like the sound of it, so I make a note to Google it later – if there is a later, an after-the-cherry and gooseberry and rhubarb and apricot cider later!
Before the later, I decide to amuse myself with the next stand-up comedian, Carl Denham. I know that he’s supposed to be amusing us, the audience, rather than us amusing ourselves with him, but he is a bit a of a fantasist. And, as such, I think we have the right to do what we will with him. After all, as our great Prime Minister Theresa May, herself said: We should not be providing safe havens; we should be stamping evil out. And Carl’s here, at this very moment, in the lovely, safe, dry and cosy comedy tent, at Leestock – and he’s a self-confessed supporter of the dark side.
Just listen to him! He’s telling everyone that, on dates, he avoids eating garlic bread for starters. And this is because he needs to save his delicate taste buds for the effort involved in the build-up to the main course. He’s likening the whole relationship process to a series of energy-zapping swimming lessons. Hasn’t anyone told you, Carl? You’re supposed to give, give, give in a relationship; not take, take, take, or – in your case – suck, suck, suck!
And now you’re telling us to rate your looks on a scale of 0 to 4, at the same time as asking whether we believe in haunted houses and ghosts. You tell us your brother’s the good looking one, but forget the plea for the sympathy vote, and tell me this! Does your brother suck? And, as you prod around your fangs with a pick, ask yourself, as you vie with each other for attention, what’s really at stake here? Who’s really the one with potential?
Confused Carl? Well, let me enlighten you with a few facts about our men, facts obtained from the website: http://www.devon.gov.uk/mens_health.pdf:
- Men are not very good at looking after their own health, rarely visiting the doctor.
- 40% of men are still likely to die prematurely (before 75) .
- Many of these men will die of undetected health problems, such as cancer, heart disease and strokes, in part because more than 50% have failed to attend basic health checks in the last year.
You see, it’s all pretty obvious. All women desire long-lasting partners, full of energy and zest, and low on medical maintenance. This is why, with your immortal genes, you are truly irresistible. So, please, Carl – please come back to Leestock next year! We want more! The women of Suffolk are happy to feed you and our men absolutely need you.
Keep us all standing up!
Keep us all wanting more!
Copyright owned by Jay Cool, June 2017
Please visit The Brewery Tap, Sudbury, Suffolk; first Wednesday of every month from 8pm – and be a part of the fun. Help our men to stand up by supporting the efforts of Suffolk Punch Comedy Club to raise funds for Prostate Cancer Research.
Note: I just looked it up on ‘Babynology’ and have made the fascinating discovery that, if I am a ‘Dudda’ I am ‘creative and try to do too many things’. It also says a lot about my sexual needs, but I won’t share these with you because it would not be right and proper, and none of that is, of course, true (see for yourself on http://www.babynology.com/meaning-dudda-m20.html). But what really is interesting is that ‘Dudda’ is also an alternative word for ‘cloak’ or ‘mantle’. This is all quite wonderful because I now realise that Carl Denham is not, after all, alone in this world. I too, am immortal. I have been immortalised by a half pint of Cheery Old Dudda cider. Thank you, Leestock!