Okay, Dad, so I’m not in church, and I know you brought me up to be a regular kind of a vicar’s daughter – the kind who helps out at the local Sunday School. But it is Sunday and I am helping out and I am being an educator, because I’m dishing out some really sound and sensible advice to the masses (me):
1) If you are a once-was-ginger, or even a still-am-ginger, white-skinned, freckle face – do not attend a music festival, on a scorching hot weekend, without Factor 2000 suncream.
2) If you drank too much rhubarb, gooseberry and apricot cider on the Saturday, do not bother getting up on the Sunday, and be stupid enough to return to the very same patch of grass in the very same comedy tent that, yesterday, was the scene of your demise.
3) If you are stupid enough to ignore 2) and you are hungover, and a little dizzy, and ever so slightly hallucinatory, then pick up your pink wig (You’re standing on it – you left it there to mark your territory!), tell PJ, the Comedy Promoter, that you are nipping to the lovely Leestock loos, get onto your Nimbus 2000 – sorry, slap on some Factor 2000 – and fly over to the beer tent to secure yourself a healthy breakfast drink. The Fruit Bat cider contains strawberries, raspberries and blackcurrants, so counts towards your ‘Five a Day’. Have at least a pint of this, and hang around long enough to down a half of Farmhouse Cider; the latter contains apples and wood, so this will bring you up to a total of ‘Five’. With that quota fulfilled, you can eat whatever junk you like for the rest of Sunday. And you won’t be anywhere near as p****d as you were, when you were twelve and had to drink your first Communion wine.
4) If feeling reinvigorated, thank your dad for building up your tolerance to alcohol, but avoid doing this via the Church newsletter.
5) Stop starting your instructions with ‘If’ – always vary your sentence starters!
6) Shut the **** up and do the job you came to Leestock to do! You’re supposed to be blogging about the comedians – not talking to yourself!
7) It’s Sunday, not Saturday – Gavin Milnethorpe was on yesterday!
Will Jones, the Tom Hardy doppelganger?
8) If you fail twice, stand up and try again!
Adam? Adam Joyce? Pauline Eyre? Carl Denham? Martin Westgate? And …
9) Keep going!
And the headline act?
TO BE CONFIRMED …..
Is it ….. PJ?
It’s Sunday. I’m Jay Cool. I’ve retrieved my pink wig. And I’m back!
Okay, I’m getting on to that ……
Copyright owned by Jay Cool, June 2017