Peeing for a Miracle at Leestock

The mustard’s hot but the sun is scorching and I need to get back into the protective shade of the Comedy Tent, before the The Monks take to the stage. The beer tent just happens to be en route – it’s almost as conveniently placed as the Portaloos! So I take a quick look at the cider list and decide to go for a cooling pint of rhubarb cider. It’s heaven! It’s so good that I’m only just in the nick of time to see The Monks opening their set.

And they’re telling us how they narrowly avoided a prolonged trip to heaven themselves. Proud of their Christian identities, they announce their faith to the world  – a few small children who’ve been deposited in the comedy tent by their parents (who’ve no doubt taken the opportunity to nip next door for the rest of the rhubarb cider!) – before taking a long pause in which to gauge our reaction …………

There is no reaction – the children are engrossed in games of Pokémon on their parents’ phones. Great tactic – leave your phone with the kids and they can’t ring you whilst your midway through your pint – or the next pint – or the next …! Just as I’m about to boo The Monks off the stage (Just kidding – my dad’s a vicar!), they start to tell us how welcome they feel, because at one horrific performance, on making this very same announcement, they were booed off the stage (Glad I restrained myself!). Apparently, that was the last time ever that Yaz Fetoo peformed in a mosque!

But, mosques aside, then I am starting to feel a little empathy with these guys. I did, after all, have similar experience myself once, when I dressed up as pea pod to take to the stage at a Park Resorts’ talent context, to sing ‘Peas, Glorious Peas!’, accompanied by my ukulele.’ I’ll do a little rendition for you now – you know you want to hear it – and here are the lyrics, so you can sing along:

Peas, glorious peas
Don’t eat us with custard

We’ve been bound
We’ve been gagged
We’ve been sealed in a pod
And we wish we could be ….
Free like a ….

Peas, glorious peas
You won’t taste us with mustard
We’re not so disgusting
Just give us a chance

We’ve been picked
We’ve been tagged
We’ve been sealed in a tin
And we wish we could be ..
Free like a …

Peas, glorious peas
Don’t think that you’ve sussed us
We’re not so revolting
Just give us some pants

We’ve been popped
We’ve been bagged
We’ve been sealed in a fridge
And we wish we could be ….
Free like a ….


As you can see (’tis a blessing you can’t hear it!), then it was pretty good and highly original (and I’ve even got several variations on the lyrics, and on the combinations in which to play the three chords), so I’ve got absolutely no idea why I was heckled off the stage. And, I gave it another go the next year – the reaction was rather similar, but I’m still going up there again next time. So my advice to The Monks is to ‘Get back in there! Never give up! What’s the worst that can happen?’

Oops, got side-tracked. So sorry! Forgot I was supposed to be promoting Suffolk Punch Comedy Club, rather than myself (You just can’t get the right kind of volunteers, can you PJ, these days?). And The Monks didn’t need my advice, because they’re here aren’t they? Here at Leestock and the crowds (the crying children) are absolutely loving them! But all I can think about is the detention that one of these unfortunate kids is going to get after their next RE lesson!

“And today, children, can you put your hands up and tell me how many days it took God to create the universe?”
“Six days, Miss!”
“Yes, and isn’t it wonderful that God can perform such miracles!”
“But he hired a comedian, Miss!”

Yas Fetto – the children of Sudbury love you! And this still-to-grow-up-middle aged lady loves you! Please come back again!

S***! I’m back at the beer tent and – can you believe it? – they’re out of rhubarb cider! But, it’s no matter, there’s still a barrel of apricot cider and it’s got 0.5% more alcohol in it than the rhubarb. Sorry, PJ – just taking a quick break – my muscles aches from all that note-taking – will be back later …

Copyright owned by Jay Cool (alias Chooky), May 2017

If you fancy dallying with some of your favourite comedians, please attend one of Suffolk Punch Comedy’s forthcoming events (just don’t bring the children, or Pokémon!):

  • First Wednesday of every month at The Brewery Tap, Sudbury, Suffolk – a free event (donations welcomed in support of Prostate Cancer Research)
  • 31st May at the Ipswich Hotel – Junior Simpson is the headline act! Book your tickets at:  And be quick!
Or, if you are a comedian (Strictly, no peas, please!), come and perform your set for us! Contact PJ at:

Bank Holiday Monday Newsflash!

I did it. I really did do it! I got back up there (actually, because I was up bright and early with a bit of a headache, I did a short rehearsal of my set on my front lawn this morning)! My neighbours are friendly types and this is what happened to one of my body parts:


Published by The Silly-Savvy Salopian

Freelance writer and descendant of the cave dweller and outlaw, Humphrey Kynaston. Banished from Shropshire for my eccentricity, I have made my home in Suffolk. I write poetry, short stories, travel journals, comedy gig reviews and non-fiction articles. My wish is to write my way back into the heart of my birth land. All writing commissions (and free holidays in Shropshire!) considered.

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