Get this. Some guy in the Thailand made MSN headline news after he, rather vainly, took a selfie on a coach trip. Not because he was a dish, but because the photo featured some British girl’s stinky feet. A pair of feet rudely perched upon the unfortunate guy’s headrest. You may be wondering why I’m thinking about this news now, whilst standing in comedy tent at Leestock, admiring the fine specimen of ripened tofu who stands on the stage before me – the honourable vegan Kahn Johnson! But there you have it, or I have it!
Because there’s a rancid odour wafting up my delicate nostrils, and it seems to be all around me, so I’m having some trouble establishing its origin. Kahn was hyper just a few moments ago and, whereas it could be that the odour’s drifting in on a heatwave from the Portaloos, I’m swaying towards (and leaning away from) the alternative explanation. Everyone who’s anyone knows that vegans fart a lot! And it’s apparent that, as Kahn leaves his platform, he is somewhat deflated. Is this what he’s left us with? Because, if Kahn is the source of the stench, then I’m thinking that perhaps I could turn my back on him, and take a quick Kahn’s-arse-in-the-background-capturing selfie and, if I share it to MSN, it could still make this evening’s headlines.
So, have I succeeded? No! I check my photo storage APP, and all I’ve managed to do is capture a view of the Portaloo cabins. It’s a fine scene, but a wasted opportunity, so I make a mental note to ask one of the young folk how to put the camera into selfie mode! But, right now, there’s no way I’m going to miss the next big moment. I’ve heard a rumour that the next comedian on the billing, Adam Bromley, has, like myself, a bit of an obsession with caves. So, in an exploratory kind of way, I’m really looking forward to what’s coming ..
But the truth turns out to be quite a small big moment. Because Adam’s tiny. He’s tiny and he looks like Frodo Baggins. He’s got a full head of hair (No, I don’t mean down there!); it is kind of cute and curly but, to be honest, I’m feeling like I’ve been duped. I had plans to invite him back to my own dilapidated cave (Yes, I know you know what I mean – you live in a Bovis home too!), and persuade him to partake in a little maintenance work, but he’s carrying on about how he’s always too drunk to prove his manhood. His last attempt at fixing a shelf to the wall for his wife’s books, resulted in the books being stuck to the wall with gaffer tape! What a flop! Sorry, ladies, we ain’t gonna be helping any men stand up, if we get too close to a Bromley.
What with all that mature cheddar, rancid tofu, and slices of over-ripe and over-soft Bromley’s, I’ve gone right off the idea of a healthy lunch. And, I was never that keen on Ploughman’s anyway, so I head over to the burger tent to check out the offers. After lots of prevarication, I opt for a veggie burger – the only option for a would-be-if-I-could-manage-without-my-full-cream-Jersey-cow-breakfast-milk vegan! But all is not lost on the variety front, because I’m offered some fried onion additions, and I top it off with some of the hot stuff – no, I haven’t got the Tom Hardy doppelganger comedian with me – it’s the tried-and-tested, and always reliable, Colman’s mustard. This is okay, because Yaz Fetto are on next, and they’re a Christian comic duo, which means that as a vicar’s daughter, I’ve got to be good …
Hence, I’ve forgotten all about Will Jones (alias Tom Hardy), Tom Caruth, Kahn Johnson and Adam Bromley – and I’ve forgotten all about my helping-men-stand-up project – for now!
Copyright owned by Jay Cool (alias Chooky), May 2017
By order of Chooky, please visit havingalaughforcharity.co.uk/index2.html to find out more about Suffolk Punch Comedy Club’s next big event!
Please note that I did intend to return to this blog and include a direct quote from the Thai bus news article but, since my internet temporarily went down, due to last night’s storm, BT have decided that an article about smelly feet is not appropriate for one such as myself, and have now blocked it from ever making a comeback!
Seems that smells are now in the same category as swears – b*****!