The Morning After the Tap

This morning, I find myself sporting a new kind of hangover, one that, for once, has nothing to do with the great quantity of Aspall’s cider I downed at The Brewery Tap last night (only two pints!) Instead, I find myself wondering whether a couple of paracetamol tablets, will cure me of the dizzy after-effects of a brainwashing session with the great Comic Psychic, Gavin Milnethorpe, and his guru side-kick, his trusty guitar; a guru who managed to mesmerise and entrance an entire audience, so much so, that we all just sat there, swaying in unison, and singing over and over and over again … the spellbinding chant of: ‘Fun, fun, fun; pun, pun, pun ….!’  Even PJ, the organiser and MC for the Suffolk Punch Comedy Club, joined in with the …. fun, fun, fun …. Oh no, here I go again – I’m still under Gavin’s command – time to go and check out my cupboard for that hangover cure!

Seems someone got to the paracetamol supplies before me, but some strong coffee (Tesco Value! I’m making the most of it, as Tesco have, apparently, just done away with their Value range – tragic!) should do the trick. But, back to The Tap and a ‘lizard who performs comedies as a stand-up chameleon’. Oh no, that’s one of Gavin’s jokes – he’s still got his hold over me! Out with the Value, and in with the Nescafe!

And in with Will Jones, who came back to the Tap for seconds, in spite of his claims that he was accosted on the way over to Sudbury by some ‘odd people’ from Colchester, who wanted more of his sexy voice and Tom Hardy good looks. (The truth came out later – that Will had, of his own free will, been perusing the shelves in Ann Summer’s, in his quest for an ‘anal loop’! No wonder, he was a magnet for all the odd bods out there!) Fortunately, he did, eventually, set foot in the Tap and to entertain us ordinary folk of Sudbury with his tales of ‘frogs, midwives and seduction’ (I’ll leave it to the imagination of some of our more creative blog readers, to work out the connection between these three topics! Post your thoughts on ‘frogs, midwives and seduction’ to the Suffolk Punch Comedy Club web page!).

Perhaps the residents of Colchester are a little odd, but at least we can boast about how ‘attractive’ we are in Sudbury; because, instead of being under the thrall of Gavin, the Rubenesque comedian, Kirsty Hudson, seemed captivated by her audience of drunken punters, and, by the time she’d finished entertaining us and being entertained by us, with a two-way tidal barrage of banter about ‘dead dads’ and’ useless stepdads’, she was even considering a permanent move from her home-town of B.S.E. to sunny Sudbury!

We were all, however, too much and too inland for the ‘wanking, beach walking’ Martin Westgate; by the time he’d finished ranting about Piers Morgan and his ‘cock’, and we’d finished commiserating with him about the uselessness of the Pedi-Egg for the removal of the scales on our scalps, he was desperate to escape from the Tap and search for other fish to batter. Martin is clearly a comedian best suited to coastal climates but, who knows, perhaps we can net him back in for a return visit ….

As for Chris Douce, well, he leaves me a little aggrieved. I may affiliate myself with Sudbury, but I originated from a cave in the middle of the country, somewhere in the Midlands, so I’m kind of offended that he tried out his best Brummy accent on us (failing dismally, as he’s a Londoner), and then came to the conclusion that one shouldn’t waste time replacing ‘one speech impediment with another’! I’m still reeling from that one …. Cheers, Chris! I felt slightly better, though, when the whole of Sudbury (loyal, as always, to it’s best immigrant) joined in with my protestations, and Chris found himself being ‘heckled by a car alarm’! So, Chris, please take your ‘stammer’ under the ‘hammer’ because we’re putting you back up for auction on Ebay! (Ha, ha! Can’t think why I don’t do stand-up?!)

Our last, but one, comedian – Sarah Sheldon – nearly didn’t make it to Sudbury at all! An indecisive type, she missed her first train, when she spent too long choosing her sandwich filling at one of Liverpool Street’s snack outlets. Next time, Sarah, put off your food frenzy until you arrive at the Tap – they do a great range of pies, and I’m told they have plans to expend some of their energy into pumping up the punters with a vegetarian filler (Aspall’s cider! A favourite with all discerning veggies; better than its porky alternative of pig’s bladder-filtered grape juice!) But, being serious (impossible at Suffolk Punch Comedy), Sarah, we’d love to entice you back and get the sequel to your tale about Mrs Phut-Phut from Saint Albans – we don’t get out of Sudbury much!

A grand finale was presented to us by the half-Turkish Saban Kazim, from Peckham, who failed his comprehension test for the 13+ exam, when he responded to the question about his current situation: ‘Do you attend a Comprehensive School?’ with ‘No, my dad only insured his taxi with third party, fire and theft!’ Oh well, it was their loss, and Sudbury’s gain! As who knows what kind of a high-flying position Saban would be in now, had he passed? And, now, we are all that he has left – a sad lot of Sudbury punters, hanging out and flopping out at the Brewery Tap,  desperate for a few laughs to make all of our men stand up again ….

So, yes Martin, we all agree with you – Piers Morgan is a ‘cock! And we also agree with Chris – that Piers is a ‘twat’ as well as a ‘cock’. But, in spite of our confusion over Piers’ biological sex features, Susan Boyle still loves him, and as her most loyal fan, I beg of you all, on behalf of the Suffolk Punch Comedy Club, to stand up and come … back to the Tap, and back to Sudbury. Bring Piers along, if you have to, but make sure that Susan is in tow. And don’t spend too long choosing sandwich fillings before making your return. Sudbury loves you (and our men need you)!

If you enjoyed this blog, please come along to our next gig at the Brewery Tap, Sudbury, on Wednesday, 4th of May, and find out for yourselves what all the fuss is about. This will be a free event. All voluntary contributions to a collection pot will be donated the Prostate Cancer Research charity. Come on, stand up and be there!

An additional ‘Comedy and Curry’ event, ticket-only, will be held at the rugby club in Bury St Edmunds, on Friday, 28th of April. Check out ‘Suffolk Punch Comedy’ events, via the online ticket agency ‘Fatsuma’ – and book your seats. Don’t miss out! Profits from the ticket sales go to Prostate Cancer Research.

It’s all happening in Sudbury and we’re spilling over into Bury St Edmunds. Keep going, Sudbury!

Copyright owned by Jay Cool, April 2017

If you like this author’s style, please head over to her family history/travel blog:

Published by The Silly-Savvy Salopian

Freelance writer and descendant of the cave dweller and outlaw, Humphrey Kynaston. Banished from Shropshire for my eccentricity, I have made my home in Suffolk. I write poetry, short stories, travel journals, comedy gig reviews and non-fiction articles. My wish is to write my way back into the heart of my birth land. All writing commissions (and free holidays in Shropshire!) considered.

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