Standing Up for Seconds at the Tap

Can’t believe it. They knew I was coming. My Aspall’s is here, at the bar in The Brewery Tap, ready and waiting! So you can imagine my distress, when just as I take my first swig, my pint glass is nearly knocked out of my hand by a Justin Bieber lookalike – none other than the Biebalicious Kirsty Hudson, our MC for the night, swinging and swishing her self-professed sexy hips up to the stage, to Bieber’s ‘As Long As You Love Me!’ Yes, Kirsty, we all love you – just don’t get between me and my Aspall’s!

And I don’t suggest you get between Tom Steggles and his flannel either. You’re making a mistake, Kirsty, by trying to put this handsome young man off from the ‘orange’ Essex girls, because once you’ve ensnared him with your wit, he won’t be able to get enough of your …. flannels, tissues, toilet paper, or even your socks! The girls don’t come in quick enough for this self-gratifying comic. He’s not the kind of ‘new man’ you can train up to do your dirty dishes – he’ll make off your tea-towel collection, and experiment with his own particular brand of starching product. Any girl’s in need of a rough edge to keep our Tom standing! In fact, I’m feeling more than a little relief of my own, now Tom’s off, and you’re back on, Kirsty! Just not quite sure why you didn’t send him off to Bieber’s track of ‘Love Yourself!’

What a welcome contrast it is, when our PJ finally stands up! Shame he’s mistaken the gig for a Weight Watcher’s Meetup; he’s apologising to the audience about the time he weighed in on the butcher’s scales at three stone! Three stone – at the age of one! As we all sit there empathising with PJ about the various failed diets he’s tried, including the Caveman and Ronseal diets – I can’t help but notice Kirsty, still salivating over trim-fit Tom’s tight torso – and I stifle a lightbulb moment …. PJ and the Sock Spunk Diet! “I have to do something!” laments PJ. Well, go on then PJ! What are you waiting for?

Just as I’m anticipating the melodic Kirsty launching into Nickelback’s version of ‘What are you waiting for?’, she’s turfed off her platform by a poet. An ever so slightly senile poet. Says he needed his script with him, due to his ageing brain cells – he isn’t wrong! He’s started ranting on about his Grand Grandfather, claiming he was a serial killer, a serial killer who’d dug on old skull up from a garden in Sudbury. No, old man – you’ve got a bit muddled – that was Simon of Sudbury – you saw his head in a box at St Gregory’s church and he was beheaded many hundreds of years ago, and very publically, in front of the masses. We’re here in The Brewery Tap, attempting to stitch a few heads back on, and to prop a few heads back up, in a minority stand against Prostate Cancer. (And no, Kirsty, Tom does not at this point want you to give him head – I just saw him leave – he’s made off with the towelled bar mats! He needs you not!)

So come on, folks – don’t falter! Turn the minority into a massive majority. Get yourselves up! Join us in The Brewery Tap. Help Suffolk Punch Comedy Club keep our men standing!

Phew, there’s no ‘let down’ – that was just the first half of the evening! Need a break, need a crap .. oh no, someone’s taken off with all the bog roll! Back soon!

Be at The Brewery Tap, Sudbury, Suffolk, at 8pm – the first Wednesday of every month. Free entry, so ‘What are you waiting for?’ Donations in support of Prostate Cancer Research welcome!
Also, check out Fatsoma, to secure tickets to the forthcoming Suffolk Punch Comedy Show at the Ipswich Hotel, on Wednesday 31st March. Get up, stand up, hurry!


Published by The Silly-Savvy Salopian

Freelance writer and descendant of the cave dweller and outlaw, Humphrey Kynaston. Banished from Shropshire for my eccentricity, I have made my home in Suffolk. I write poetry, short stories, travel journals, comedy gig reviews and non-fiction articles. My wish is to write my way back into the heart of my birth land. All writing commissions (and free holidays in Shropshire!) considered.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: