I take a merry jaunt next-door to the beer tent, momentarily lamenting the loss of last year’s neighbour, my green-footed portaloo pals! But no matter, the loos have been replaced by a rocking ambulance. Red lights and frolics, or a dry run for the resuscitation of our headline act, Dom Holland?
Dom Holland, so I’ve heard, is renowned the world over for passing out if (when) the braying crowds of try to heckle him off the stage. Still, he’s a resilient old soul – keeps coming back for more! Reckon he’s got a bit of a thing about our Suffolk nurses. The good old NHS, reliable and consistent. Anything to keeps old Dom standing.
|The NHS have even provided a gibbet –
to hold up old Dom’s rotting remains!
Worms, drawn out of their underground hobbit tunnels, by the promise of sweet rain, find themselves intoxicated senseless. Heads chase tails, as they try to lick their own a***s. (Do worms have arses?) Such images, once again, bring thoughts of Dom into my mind, and I contemplate whether Dom too, like his partner in middle-aged self-aggrandizement, Jay Cool, would welcome an opportunity to become a stakeholder in the mango cider business.
Contemplation aside, I return to my trusty friend, the beer tent, and beg for a refill. It doesn’t come cheap! Must make a bigger effort with the crowds on my next outing. A different wig, perhaps? The Ed Sheeran orange? Or Cher’s sleek-black raven? Alas, my thoughts are rudely interrupted by the think-of-me-only chords of Gavin Milnthorpe!
Is it really Gavin? Gavin Milnthorpe, my hero?
My hero worship is only slightly dampened by Gavin’s forthcoming declarations that he’s a ‘window-cleaning pervert’ with an ‘Oedipus complex’. He can stop by my window with his bucket anytime, just so long as he tops up my now-empty-again pint glass. A few fruity squeezes of the mangos are acceptable, but I’ll give Gavin’s ‘father-in-a-stew recipe’ a miss! Sounds a wee bit chewy and gristly to me – us middle-aged ladies have to look after our sensitive gums! Sainsbury’s Little Ones Simply Organic Mango Puree is more up my street (or, to be more truthful, the Tesco’s Value equivalent, diluted, and by the barrel!)
I refocus. Gavin.
Cast aside your ‘Stanley Young is Planning a Murder’ effort and get working on ‘Milnthorpe’s Oedipus Delights’. And I, Jay Cool, will get working on the sequel: ‘Milnthorpe’s Mush for Middlers’. Come on, Gav! Together, we can make a fortune …
A Barber called Neil!
|A Creative Commons image from Wikipedia.org|
A Creative Commons image featured on
‘The Duchess Diaries’ blog
Copyright owned by Jay Cool, May 2018.
Can things get any lower?