Fresh & Flappy


Unfamiliar territory.
A new venue for the Comedy Club.
I, Jay Cool, Blogger Extraordinaire, am here. Feeling as young and rejuvenated as ever, I’m dressed to kill. But, somehow, I’ve got it all wrong. The punters are all wearing a uniform of grey-branded-zip-up casuals and shapeless denims – but my legs are living-it-up in a pair of hot-red skinny jeans.
Extraordinarily hot I may be, but I’m also all wrong. Very wrong. But …
at least I’m not the only one:
I’ve just spotted, the emcee, PJ! And he’s pulled out all the stops with a bright red V-neck pullover. Fresh!
Two have-beens, trying to make ourselves feel younger with a splash of colour – instead, we both look like we’ve come dressed to lure the bulls in to the kill!
Creative Commons image
Still, I reckon that with sharpened pencil to hand, I can get into this role. A bit of a poke at Chris Jones, our first comedian, and I’m in. From Blogger to Picador. Transformation complete! PJ’s right in there too – trying to take centre stage by jabbing away at some hefty punter’s breast badge. At this point, I consider egging PJ on, daring him to go for the in for the artery. But this bull’s ferocious. He’s rising up to the challenge. Off, PJ! Get yourself down! Sit out of this one and let Chris take over.
Chris, it turns out, is a seasoned Metador – a crowd puller! (And bucket filler!) And he’s got a beautiful set of pearly-whites, courtesy of a bargain-basement dental plan with some Bulgarian back-street tooth extractor, and a set of Dracula fangs from Poundland’s closing-down sale. Seems that his homeland of Glasgow has the highest rate of tooth decay and obesity on the planet Earth (the existence of alien teeth and cellulite having not, yet, been established as scientific fact!). Due to his short Glaswegian life-expectancy, Chris reckons he’s brought the ‘local house prices down by 40% just by being here’. I want to tell him that he’s got it all wrong. My kit’s half wrong, and he’s all wrong.
Sudbury’s a property hotspot.
Us Suffolk ladies love our vampire heroes. And, what with previous billings having included the blood-sucking Carl Denham and the funereal Sean Patrick, why shouldn’t Sudbury rocket up into the treetops and beyond ….?
Just as well that the next act on is a poet. Somebody sane and sensible. Someone to keep us Sudbury folks grounded. A lover of T. S. Elliot. A blast from the past. Nostalgia. A lover of ‘boils’, ‘tattoos’, ‘rabbit-bombers’ and …. Simon Cowell! Who is this guy?
A complete fruitcake! This is Sudbury – Thomas Gainsborough country – a hub of bygone creativity. Get him off the stage! Stick him on The Voice – give him a once-over and have done with! (What was his name, PJ? You don’t know?*)
Back to the future.
Out with the old and in with the bald.
Matt Adlington.
A time-seasoned traveller. Time-seasoned and boasting about his adventures in Australia, his wranglings with divorcees, scorpions and adders, and the time when he ‘lost everything’, including control of his …
From a comic doomed to a short life, to a poet who’s lost his plot, and through to the last release ever from Crocodile Dundee, I’m thinking that the end of the world must be …
… getting back ‘into a flap’ with …
But, it turns out that, warm and cosy at it is in here, this is not the end …
Ali’s a birther … one big push .. and I’m
Blood sports are no longer PC and this particular picador’s been written off …
Jay Cool’s out …
and she’s in ….
Snowperson Stand-in for Ali
The future.

Copyright owned by Jay Cool, March 2018

Credits: Unless otherwise labelled, then all photos were taken by the author, Jay Cool.

*If anyone caught the name of the fruitcake poet who did a one-off at The Horse and Groom, please send it on a Tweet to PJ!


N.B. If you fancy a flap of the action, get yourself to Suffolk Punch Comedy Club’s regular venue, The Brewery Tap, Sudbury, Suffolk – first Wednesday of every month. Free entry. Donations for prostate cancer research welcome.

Published by The Silly-Savvy Salopian

Freelance writer and descendant of the cave dweller and outlaw, Humphrey Kynaston. Banished from Shropshire for my eccentricity, I have made my home in Suffolk. I write poetry, short stories, travel journals, comedy gig reviews and non-fiction articles. My wish is to write my way back into the heart of my birth land. All writing commissions (and free holidays in Shropshire!) considered.

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