Christmas is over, New Year’s Day has passed, the mother has returned to her own abode, and it’s almost time to take the decorations down – what now? I, Jay Cool, am bored. Bored and deflated (I farted out the last of the mince pies this morning!). What now? Never fear, Jay Cool, you are not alone – Suffolk Punch Comedy Club awaits. The Brewery Tap awaits. PJ awaits. A pint of mango cider aw …
Okay, okay – I’m on my way!
And, I arrive at The Brewery Tap just in time to witness PJ, our comedy club’s emcee start up the action with a few jokes of his own. And he’s pushing all of our buttons with Melania. What? PJ’s pulled Melania? Melania’s even told him that ‘Donald hasn’t pushed her buttons for years’. No wonder PJ’s looking so pleased with himself. You been to the White House for Christmas, PJ? And where was your partner during all of this? She’s looking none too pleased with your jokes now. Think I’d better offer her a pint of something or other; a desperate distraction technique. It’s not working too well; your partner Whatshername is looking even more alarmed, by your joke about the ‘Aldi driver who denied using her indicators’. Your partner shop at Aldi, PJ? Get it right! One minute you’re thousands of miles away, touching it up in the USA, and the next you’re fluffing it up too close to home.
Just as well that Matt Bragg’s here. Well, his shoes are – not too sure about Matt himself – I’m kind of too distracted by what’s down below, to look up and check!
|Matt Bragg’s foot|
Matt must be relieved to have a good pair of leopard-skin brogues He’s just moved abodes to a flat ‘within easy walking distance of surrounding locations’. Who knows what’s out there in the wild – lions, tigers, cheetah’s. Go on, Matt – you can out-run them all! You say you’re relieved that at least your flat’s not an oil rig. But, I rather suspect that your shoe rack has just the tools for the job …
A Creative Commons image
Matt’s now on the runway, taking off, launching into a sob story about his aeroplane-phobic friend. On a recent flight together, Matt, bless his cotton socks, did his utmost to offer reassurances to his companion. Not sure why you bothered, Matt! He’d have been more than a gibbering wreck if he’d uncovered his face long enough to catch a glimpse of you:
|Pig in rocket boots, by deviant art, labelled Creative Commons|
Methane-fired shoes are really not the thing for wearing on plane trips these days, Matt. Keep up to date!
Take some advice from Jay Cool, Matt – have a clear out! Take your shoe collection to the next boot sale. Dylan Dodds, our next comedian, and very-confused ‘car boot sale’ enthusiast is sure to buy you out lock, stock and barrel – storage rack included, i.e. at the last sale he took off with a car boot! But keep an eye on your secondary mode of transport (not your rocket shoes!), because it seems he’s ‘still looking around for the rest of the car’.
|Dylan Dodds – comedian|
Poor wee Dylan! He’s here in the Tap, and he’s still confused. Thinks that our emcee, PJ, is ‘hitting on him’. But why would PJ go for Dylan, when he’s had a taste of Melania? It’s okay, Dylan, you’re out of Watford, and you’re safe here. Sudbury’s so safe that it’s Britain’s Number 1 property hotspot.
‘Britain’s top ten property hotspots of 2017 revealed: Picturesque Suffolk town of Sudbury leads the places where asking prices rose fastest’
Read more: http://www.thisismoney.co.uk/money/mortgageshome/article-5198957/Top-10-UK-property-hotspots-2017-revealed.html#ixzz53QpsTz1P
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Just don’t go for a property in Acton Lane; it’s had a few unfortunate car fire incidents in recent years. What’s that you said, Dylan? You’ve already bought a property in Acton Lane? And you’ve already bought Matt Bragg’s car boot? And you’ve let how many of our comedians park their cars on your driveway?
Creative Commons image
Danny Marks? Ciera Jack? Harrison Salter? Get on out of here! Yes, I know you haven’t done your sets yet. But you’re not on until the second half. Go rescue your cars! Go, go, go!
|A free image available from clipartbest.com|
I know it’s tradition to kick the New Year in with fireworks. But it’s now the third of January, and don’t you think this particular performance is a little OTT, Matt?
Copyright owned by Jay Cool, promoter for Suffolk Punch Comedy Club, January 2018
If you enjoyed reading about the comedians who perform for Suffolk Punch Comedy Club, please get yourself down to The Brewery Tap, Sudbury, Suffolk – first Wednesday of every month – and be an eyewitness to the next selection. Entry is free, but donations are welcome for prostate cancer research. And, if you feel brave enough, have a go yourself – tell your best jokes during our open mic slots!