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It’s Tap Time again, and our first comedian – Danny Marks – is donning the t-shirt of my dreams!
I like this t-shirt so much that I’m not going to bother revealing what’s up top to you. But, that’s okay because, judging by what Danny’s going on about, he’s already bared his all – in a ‘threesome’ that finished up just ‘three minutes ago in the gents’. Not entirely sure that I, Jay Cool, the discerning blogger, am convinced by his claims. The only visitors I’ve seen spurt forth from the ‘Toilets’, whilst I’ve been sitting here watching (a journalist (voyeur) learns a lot from the comings and goings of conveniences), have been John the Barman’s resident mutts. Still, I’m sure they were more than happy to bare up and stick their fangs in.
Seems like Danny’s not the only one with a fondness for ‘sausage and mash’, and hardly surprising (if Danny’s a regular visitor to the aforesaid gents) that his girlfriend prefers ‘carrots’ to what’s left of Danny’s ‘penis’!
Moving on … Oh, do I really have to? Was rather enjoying this vantage point.
But, next up’s Kathryn Mather!
Kathryn’s partial to doing the odd spot of carpentry, with a speciality for fixing commercial shelves and, for treats, in her break-times, she likes to indulge in lady’s mags – a perk of her job. Do you really have to share your latest freebie with us punters, Kathryn? I’m sure the old men here are enjoying it, but all that erotic stuff is not really me! What’s that? You wrote the accompanying text yourself? Well, that doesn’t really change anything, does it? This is a comedy club – not a sperm donation bank! What? You’re only reading from ‘‘That’s Life’? Yes, I know that, for some, that’s just life, and for others it’s only the start of their life, but really?
Fortunately, I get to ‘Take a Break’ from all of that naughty-mag stuff, when John the Barman, commandeers Catherine to fix some shelves down in the beer cellar.
But, before I can recover (or order another pint of mango cider) a fellow ginger going by the name of Geoffrey (alias. Oliver Neve) takes the stage.
I know I’m going to love his act. I mean, who wouldn’t love anything, funny or not, that is issued forth from anything that might possibly have a match with any of my own genetic material. Perhaps, like myself, this guy is a Great-Great-Many-Times-Great descendant of my old man Henry VIII. Certainly, the clues are all there. He’s already boasting about his many girlfriends: Becca, Rebecca, Becky, Becks and Beckles. Who’s going to be No. 6, I wonder? Bexy? Beckett? And, with a name like Cap’n Geoffrey Twiglet, will there even be a No.6? Is Geoff about to throw his royal lineage to the wind, and break with tradition, by allowing No. 6 to top herself, before he can do the dirty deed?
Geoff’s really quite hilarious, but my name’s Jay, not Rebeque, so I’m moving on to inspect the next man.
Clay, like his predecessor, has a touch of the ginger. I mean, just take a look at that gorgeous moustache! But the gorgeous all starts to turn grim, when Clay starts lecturing us about urinal etiquette. Seems a man can’t even shake and dry – he as to get his junk covered up sharp. Think yourself lucky, Clay – at least you don’t have to sit yourself down on the outcome of the previous tenant’s shake and dry! Just as well that in this place, John’s got a pair of mutts, who nip in and get their slobbery tongues around the bog seats before the next occupant takes charge!
And whilst I’m on the subject of Clay: Has anyone else noticed his resemblance to Fagin?
Have checked my pockets! Nothing’s missing. Still enough cash for the old mango stuff! Clay, get your gang to do the rounds! Louis Green’s on now. Sneak round the back of the gawping punter and get that charity bucket filled up! Louie can hold the crowd!
Louie’s soon got my attention with details of how to make home remedies for STDs. Seems that one can make use of: oatmeal, yogurt, coconut oil, tea tree oil, garlic, boric acid, apple cider vinegar .. Cider? Now we’re talking! But, seriously, why doesn’t he just use that ‘Deep Heat Rub’ cream? Nothing like a bit of hot chilli pepper to get one hopping around. And, once in party mode, Louie ‘ll be far too distracted to worry about a little itch!
And, if Deep Heat Rub’s too costly for you Louie (No, this is a charity gig – there’ll be no spare change!), then try out this alternative:
It comes highly recommended by a kindly gentleman customer of Superdrug, who, as I was browsing the shower gels, was considerate enough to inform me that (with a wink), if I went for the ‘lemon’ one, not to use it down below! I thanked him for for the helpful advice and immediately took a whole boxful of the stuff to the checkout!
Out of all the comedians this evening, Louie has invigorated my soul the most, so I, Jay Cool, present him with a three-star rating!
But nothing, nothing, has prepared me enough for the next act (s). Trish is from the U.S., and she’s brought her doting fans along with her to little old UK. Trish is funny enough but, when she gives her followers a chance with the mic, they totally slam her!
Aunt Agnes brings the house down with her puns about tweets, twats and Trump.
And Precious wows all the punters into sending her their dick flicks!
Trish, though, doesn’t miss a trick; she soon slams the lid on the traitorous pair, and reclaims the stage for herself.
Finally, the jokes stop coming at me for long enough, to strike while the iron is still hot. Hence, almost fed up with the old mango, I venture into Tutti Fruit cider territory. John, with his mutts in tow, nips into a backroom to crack open the barrel.
It’s cloudy yellow with a sharp bite and a pungent aroma. Fresh from the loo seat in the lady’s?
Mango cider! Where are you? Come back over here! Now!
Copyright owned by Jay Cool, July 2019
Suffolk Punch Comedy Club gigs are free for any punter, who steps foot inside The Brewery Tap, on the first Wednesday of the month. Be there ready for an 8pm start. Warning: A very pushy redhead comes around with a charity bucket, expecting generous donations for prostate cancer research.