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Variety.
I’m back for another evening of laughs, with The Suffolk Punch Comedy Club, at The Brewery Tap. And PJ’s really gone to town on this one – seven comedians! Seven, to me (and therefore to everyone else), is a lucky number denoting all of my top seven favourite things.
- The Secret Seven (love the character of Susie, the bane of everyone’s life!)
- Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (Dopey’s the hot one!)
- Seven for a Secret (a novel by Victoria Holt with all my best things – school, suicide, stalking, scandal, secrets, sensuality and seduction – put that in reverse order and leave out the last (and perhaps the second last) in the list!).
- Seven Fat Sausages Sizzling in a Pan (gutted that the number 7’s been shamefully missed out of YouTube’s version!)
- The Seven Deadly Sins (lust and laziness being my favourite two!)
- Seven Wives for Seven Brothers (all seven brothers are fake redheads – the cheats!)
- Seven Lovers for Jay Cool (pending!)
It stands to reason, therefore, that I, Jay Cool, enter The Brewery Tap this evening with a purpose. I’m on a mission (commission!) to find a wife for each of PJ’s seven comedians!
First, please!
1) Variety D
Variety D’s hatched out of a South London ghetto! Bit of a tricky one’s this – in spite of only being in her twenties, she’s not had ‘sex for three-and-a-half years’; a feat she blames on a plethora of bookings in gay night clubs and on a fear of Mr Blobby. Personally, though – not to be subjective of course – then I feel that Variety’s anger is misdirected. Stop blaming Mr Blobby for your abstinence, Variety! Your only man-repellent is the blob on the top of your bobble hat!
But these are all just excuses. In reality (Jay Cool’s reality), Lady Variety has been saving herself for the hot stuff, for the love of her life yet to be met!
Left to my own devices as a match-maker (i.e. no-one seems up for hiring me!), I would pair Variety up with her doppelganger, Cheryl Cole.
But, seeing as Variety’s only got the hots for sexy-young men, then I’m left with no option but to marry her off to this mystery-bobbled celebrity! Shame he’s already married, but hey, we’re living in modern times – something can be arranged!
Number 1 sorted! Next, please!
2) Alex.
To sum Alex up, then he’s short, young (courtesy of some black-hair dye), depressed (he loves Donald Trump), and his favourites song’s ‘Heavy Thoughts’. It’s pretty obvious, though, that our Alex’s oft’ used catch phrase of ‘comedy, comedy, comedy’ is just a cover for the real big Cs of his existence: he didn’t cause it, he can’t control it, and we can’t cure it. He’s well and truly addicted to the hero worship of Donald Trump. I do, therefore, present Alex with his perfect match … Trump’s youthful double!
Now, don’t get all morose, Alex – I’ve given you choice, choice, choice!
Next!
3) Mike.
Mike, besides the trivial occupation of being a comedian, is a professional dog walker and lover of organic chicken and, given the choice (like that word!), he’d rather be paid £30 a night to look after a canine, than pay £30 a night for a quick thrill (or so he claims!). Somehow, though, I think Alex’d find this date, well worth the expenditure!
And, if not, Alex, then take a look at the alternative!
And next up’s:
4) Ali Mole
Ali’s got a thing about bears, nipples and flippers, and has been married three times! With such a tragic track record, I need to get Ali’s match spot on. So …
here goes ..
Okay, you say – it’s cuddly and it’s got flippers, but what about the nipples?
Is this better?
With Ali fixed up, I move onto:
5) Mike the Second
Mike’s a stand-up comedy virgin, who having been let down by six undesirables (Rita, Milly, Lucy, Vagina, Derek and Big Beth), really is relying on me to get it right with the seventh. Having figured out that he punctured the first six and, hence, lives in fear of ‘letting down’ another, I think I’ve finally got it right for Mike …
Yes, Mike the Second, having outlived the first six, now it’s your turn …
… to let yourself down:
6) Lady with Red Hair (pending photo)
Our next comedian seems to have an aversion to the state of marriage. She equates the concept of a husband with the concept of a city called Birmingham, claiming that neither are places to be ‘stuck’ in for very long. I’m not certain I’m with her on the analogy, as to my knowledge, its the husbands who like to get ‘stuck’ in – rather than the other way around. But, I can see I’ll need to work hard to find a lasting match for our redhead, so here goes:
Once bitten by this Venetian, she’ll be smitten, and totally unable to escape! Sorted.
Next, please!
7) Louie Green
This one’s easy. Among his friendship group, he claims to have a ‘fan from Suffolk’ who ‘drives tractors’, and a lady from London who ‘knits tractors’. Louis, I happen to know of a very talented lady from Suffolk who knits people, rather than machines. She’s conjured up the perfect replica of Ed Sheeran, and is of such fame that she’s been invited onto Graham Norton’s TV show. And, if she’s not your type, or if it turns out she can’t be coaxed away from her existing love, then you can always get her to knit you up a suitable replacement. She has, for example, knitted up the entire cast of Poldark, so if you’re not so keen on the male variety of redhead, you can opt for the fake redhead, Eleanor Tomlinson, in the form of the sexy Demelza. Okay, okay – yes, I was putting off having to blog about your real passion, the lovely pole dancer, Theresa May. But, if you insist, then I’m sure that our Suffolk knitter can take on the order (for a small cost!)
And, if you get bored with the lovely Theresa (she only has once dance routine, after all), you can sell her on Ebay to the highest bidder (who will undoubtedly be a certain Arno from Estonia)! Yes, Louis, as you say ‘the youth of today are the future of tomorrow’, so make use of the oldies while you still can – catch our Theresa, before she signs her Brexit deal! Because it’s a dead cert that, prior to its publication, she’ll have nipped through the UK’s border control to make a home for herself in France. France is too close for comfort. Please, Louis, you can have my ‘Comedian of the Month’ award (anything!) if you pack her off to Estonia!
Next, please!
8) PJ (he’s the compere, so that still leaves seven!)
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The Silly-Savvy Salopian in Suffolk: read, believe and write ... 