Grunts and Glurks at The Tap

And yet another exciting, ripple-inducing comedy evening, hosted by our emcee, PJ!

PJ’s on a bit of a roll already, telling rip-roaring jokes about Europe, pensions and Brownies. Pretty sure that there’s a connection – somewhere – between this trio, but I’m a trifle distracted by the contortions of our emcee’s lips. Somehow the dipped-upper lip and the red jumper have merged into one (helped along by the hallucinatory effects of my usual pint of apple mould – Aspall’s in this case!), and this is all I can see is a beautiful-pink fish blowing bubbles at me:

Such a beauty, puckering up its heart-shaped lips, puts me in mind of the one true love of my life:

Available via Bing, labelled as Creative Commons Licensed

The resemblance is really quite astonishing. What haven’t you told us, PJ? Still, judging by the next pic, there’s hope for you yet! Your lips could be your fortune! And, what’s more, you could pull in the birds, rather than having to grab at ’em!

Image from Wikipedia.commons

But, enough of PJ of the great lips. This is Jay Cool, Suffolk Punch Comedy Club’s Blogger Extraordinaire! I’m here at The Brewery Tap in Sudbury, and I’m here with (not that kind of with!) Ollie! Who? None other than Ollie, the stand-up protegee of Colchester. I say stand-up, not in recognition of Ollie’s fast-growing popularity in the world of comedy, but as tribute to his unique asset. Ollie comes with his very own stand. Being the only comedian in East Anglia, to have webbed toes, he can keep upright, and keep going, for hours and hours … and hours.
Ollie from Colchester
And what’s more, with the custom-made shoes Ollie’s kitted out with, his appendages almost look edible!
Once more, though, I am led to suspect that PJ, like his doppelgangers – Trump and Jagger – has been floating the boat out, spreading his oats far and wide. How else does he manage to pull in the favours, and get such reputable comedians at a moment’s notice?
‘Rubber Duckie’ by
Of course, an alternative explanation for the Ollie-PJ resemblance, could simply be that both have to stand up for hours on end in their day jobs, talking at people; Ollie as a teacher, and PJ as a Trainer at public-speaking workshops. I can just see the crowds baying for their attention:
‘Toy Ducks’ from
There’s nothing quite like having an audience of one’s own making – an audience to die for!
‘Dead Duck’ from
This is great! I’ve already done away with PJ and Ollie, and I’ve managed it without even given away any of their jokes. Want to know more? Want to know why these comedians are worth quacking for? Come and see for yourselves! Come to our special New Year’s gig ‘The Revival of the Fittest’ (no puns about inbreeding intended)!
Moving on.
Jerry. Jerry from Essex! Seeing as he’s not associating himself with the late Ollie from Colchester, then I’m guessing that our Jerry’s from the darker depths of the county’s woodlands – Romford? Basildon? West Thurrock? Ikea? Regardless, then he’s a miserable sod, who fantasises about Stacey Dooley, whilst vlogging with God; aiming  to go viral with a video diary about the riveting process of ark building with a flat pack – like I said, he’s from Ikea! I guess, if he uses the finished product to offer shelter to the homeless, he might even pull off a date with Stacey and, thanks be to God, give us a break for an evening!
Jerry. See what I mean? Miserable!
Whilst Jerry’s off hot-dating with Stacey, we get a taste of Bethany from – Essex? I query the last point because, although she at some juncture in her set, claims to be a manhandling librarian from Romford, she also takes on a number of other personas, including, judging by her fixation with all things carpet-related, membership of the ‘munrung’ tribe from the land of Carpet!
With that mouth, though, and her claims to have captured dodgy gents in headlocks, I think she’s a dead ringer for ‘Fang’, the pet dog, of the munrung leader, Glurk!
‘Glurk’ image labelled as ‘Creative Commons’ on a Bing search
Violence aside (for now), I turn my attentions to the next comedian in this evening’s line-up – Dom Mackie!
Now, our Dom reckons he’s been mistaken for Sue Perkins, but I’m amazed that with all his hyperactive flailing around he manages to remain vaguely upright!
And for that reason alone, I henceforth nominate Dom Mackie is the one and only, original model of a Weebles Wobble:
‘Weeble Pirate’ image from
Either that, or he’s the spit of Daddy Pig!
‘Daddy Pig’ image from
Okay, Dom, you tell us you were bullied at school for having a ‘boring voice’, but think of all the little tots you’ve entertained with your grunts and snorts. And, let’s face it, looking around at the punters in The Brewery Tap, who are all roaring their cute little heads off, then the average mental age in this place, isn’t much higher. Sorry, PJ, I know you’ve gone all out to draw in the intellectually elite, but this is Sudbury – we’re all ‘p****d’ as ‘f***s’, on The Tap’s fine ales and ciders, and it’s just not happening. Dom’s turned us all into a hoard of screaming and screeching Reception sprogs, with  weak bladders to match. And, right now all that’s on my mind, is whether I’ll last out until the end of Dom’s performance, before I have to spend a penny. Focus. I must focus; separate mind from bladder. But, Daddy Dom Pig reads my thoughts – and grabs a photo album from the Tap’s bookcase, taking great delight from a pic of the pre-renovation urinals. This is not helping. My bladder is now yelling at me and I’m hopping around from foot to foot. What it would be to be a gent, to avoid the queue for the single lady’s toilet cubicle, and nip into the men’s, whip it out and have done with?
Then, out of the sawdust inside my skull, an image emerges:
‘Rolling Stone Urinals’ image labelled Creative Commons on Bing
And I think that perhaps, after all, my bladder can hold on – for just a little longer.
But, with regards to Dom (and his closing pun), then at least we appreciate the poor ‘little thing’. When’s Dom Mackie back on the Billing, PJ?
PJ making a run for it, down the gutters of East Hill!
Come on, PJ – it might be 10pm and the end of your gig, but it’s not pub-chucking-out time yet – there’s really no need to swim off with all the punters!
Too late. We’ve lost him.
Copyright owned by Jay Cool, Suffolk Punch Comedy Club’s  Blogger Extraordinaire, December 2018.
If you want to see and hear our comedians for yourself, do visit The Brewery Tap, Sudbury, Suffolk: on the first Wednesday of every month – from 8-10pm. Free entry. All voluntary donations go towards prostate cancer research.

Published by The Silly-Savvy Salopian

Freelance writer and descendant of the cave dweller and outlaw, Humphrey Kynaston. Banished from Shropshire for my eccentricity, I have made my home in Suffolk. I write poetry, short stories, travel journals, comedy gig reviews and non-fiction articles. My wish is to write my way back into the heart of my birth land. All writing commissions (and free holidays in Shropshire!) considered.

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