On entry to The Tap, I find my gaze drawn towards a long-lashed beauty, perched at a high table on a bar stool, who presents an arresting site.
I stare some more.
Is it rude to stare so directly? To let one’s attention be frozen by one so sleek, smooth and glossy. Would it be so wrong to saunter on over there, to reach out my hand, and to sneak a quick stroke?
Should one be obliged to ask permission to touch a feline? A black-cloaked cousin of the panther?
Such a dilemma!
If I just walk on by and ignore the temptations of the moment, is that the same as having my path crossed by a black cat? Will I forever after be reminded of a missed chance, by a lifetime of unfortunate incidents?
To stroke, or not? To stroke, or not? To stroke, or …
I walk on by.
Aaron Hood’s on stage, clothed in a red and black lumberjack shirt. Not shiny. Not glistening. And definitely not tempting. The whole ‘not for today’ image is further exacerbated by the focus of his jokes – Michael Gove – who, according to Hood, is a ‘sentient flashlight made out of candle-wax’.
But, as far as I’m concerned, after the mess he left our education system in, Gove isn’t even worth of a standing in London’s Museum of Waxworks, let alone a standing ovation in my local pub, The Brewery Tap. So, it’s out with Gove and it’s out with Hood. And it’s back to …
… a gentle purring. A miaow! A lickfest hotbed of papillae.
And, a quick google search (Yes, The Tap does have internet access!) reveals that it is advisable to allow your cat to ‘lick your eyelid sometime’; you will ‘feel it in your belly button and the back of your throat’ (1): . To be honest, I’m not overly keen on having my eyelids washed with saliva, but I can relate to why this would cause a sensation in the ‘back of the throat’ – vomit has a sharp and nasty aftertaste!
The cat lady is a Trish’ and her jokes are as hot as her legs are enviable. So slim, so elegant, so … I look down at my own pegs, and am momentarily reminded of the girth of the ‘Faraway Tree’ in Enid Blyton’s Enchanted Wood series! But, no matter – Trisha’s here! She’s here at The Brewery Tap, and we’re all laughing so much, that the landlord’s up a ladder checking out the masonry of the old rooftop beams. Will they hold? Is the Tap big enough and strong enough for Trish’?
Trish’ proceeds to claim an affiliation with the rival chain of Wetherspoons (The Brewery Tap is on it’s way to chain pub status, isn’t it?). With vested interests in ‘beer, vinegar and despair’ she’s putting herself out to tender for as many other threesomes as she can get sponsorship for, including the perfume that she sniffed out on her boyfriend Daz’s ‘lips, neck and c***!’ Seriously, though ladies, her tips for the three best uses of lash-lengthening mascara are out of this world, so much so, that you’re just going to have to see this feline for yourselves, before I give away such valuable trade secrets; ‘cos until you catch up, I’m keeping this triage of tricks for myself!
The feline’s best joke is about the ‘legless’ Pestorius but, again, I’m giving away nothing! I will, however, honour the readers with my own observation (astute as always!) that Pestorius himself would have nothing to lose by requesting a special-guest spot of prison entertainment from our Trish’; in fact, he’d have much to gain with her exclusive triplet of – sexy legs, roof-raising puns, and first-hand familiarity and expertise with a Nimbus 2000. No tunnel digging required!
The interval arrives, albeit too soon, and I consider my options. Purchase another pint of mango cider? Or, indulge my gaze further on my newfound interest in the black cat. No choice. I’m out of funds. The cider’ll knock me back a few quid. The cat’s free. I opt for the latter. And, I await what is still to come …
Adam Bromley. Suffolk Punch Comedy Club’s most popular comedian and, in his words, the ‘most available’ in our ‘local area’! First off, he laments about the thinness of the audience – three punters and a dog! Well, what does he expect? Where there’s a cat, there’s always a dog in hot pursuit! ‘While you warm up, I’ll slip it in!’ he says. What? I know that a certain owl got it on a bit quick with a pussycat, but I can’t quite see a marriage on the cards between bulldog Spike and slapstick Tom, even in the common-law sense of the word! Get real, Adam. Withdraw it! Stick it back in it’s sheath! You’ve got no chance! ‘Cos our Trisha’s
on the run ….
And me? Blogger Extraordinaire, Jay Cool? I’m on my last lick of the old mango, reduced to licking my papillae round the rim of my almost-abandoned pint glass.
Desperate. Destitute. Abandoned.
Copyright owned by Jay Cool, July 2018
If you want to get the full breadth and depth of the puns shared by the hottest of Suffolk Punch Comedy Club‘s talent, visit The Brewery Tap, Sudbury – on the first Wednesday of every month. The gig starts at 8pm, so arrive at 7.30, and stock up on your mango cider beforehand, i.e. before Jay Cool arrives and drains the barrel! Free entry. Donations for research into prostate cancer welcomed!
P.S. In answer to my question about permissions needed to stroke a cat, I have sought advice from a prestigious fellow blogger: ‘When shopping for a cat you must remember that you don’t choose the cat, the cat chooses you. If you wish to take a cat as your familiar, you must ask permission first, they most likely will agree’ (witcheslore.com/bookofshadows/magical-creatures-bookofshadows/cat-familiar/219/). Trisha, is it okay if I ….?
Images of comedians are the author’s own. All other images are courtesy of Pixabay.com, available by Creative Commons’ Licence.