Sudbury’s Comedian of the Day

Bill.

Bill the newbie comedian. Fresh talent to take the stage.

 

Bill Newbie

And I, Jay Cool, blogger extraordinaire, am here at The Brewery Tap to enjoy a slice of the action. But, first things first! A pint of mango cider, please!

With mangoes in hand, I proceed.

Fresh mangos comforting each other at The Brewery Tap
(image courtesy of Pixabay.com)

I proceed just in time to witness our Bill doing a demonstration of his favourite bedroom activity. He’s buckarooing, bronco style, with PJ’s new mic, whilst announcing to all and sundry that he’s about to morph into a mobile phone. Seems that’s the only way he’ll be in a position to exchange his imaginary partner for the real deal – the only way he’ll get close up with a lady in tight trousers.

After a barrage of jokes about bondage and gagging, and the adventures of Noddy, I begin to empathise with Bill’s big issue. Cross-breed the actors who play the Mitchell brothers, add on another thirty years to the image, and place a Noddy hat (two might be necessary) onto the bald bits – and there you have it!

Noddy image by TheDevilMay Cry,
courtesy of deviantart.com
(Creative Commons)

Bill.

The Mitchell brothers have not, in general, had any shortage of bed partners as, even in times of famine, they’ve been able to improvise with a lot of wife-swapping. Like their pirate ancestors, they’ve always been beyond the long-arm of the law, so their dietary habits of ‘share and share alike’ have continued unchecked.

But, if you consider that all of the Mitchell conquests have been pure fantasy, and dreamt up entirely for the entertainment of the masses – then you’ll see where I draw the parallels with Bill. Dress the three of them up as mobile phones and stick Noddy hats and Big Ears on their neckless roundheads, and they’ll still be no real takers on the bedroom front.

Personally, I, Jay Cool, am sticking with the mango cider for my own thrills.

But, it’s time to turn my attention to the young ones, the up and coming talent, nurtured in the bowels of Sudbury’s very own Suffolk Punch Comedy club: Danny Mark and Louis Meers.

Danny, with his ruddy cheeks and exuberant grin, is a picture of good health:

Danny Marks or Donald Trump?

And the reason for this transformation is revealed. Danny’s given up on the double D: drink and drugs are now a no-go area, and he’s been ‘clean for sixty days’. The side-effects of scrubbing himself for that ‘long’ in ‘the shower every day’ have been responsible for producing Danny’s new tomato-red complexion.

Danny moves swiftly on to a rant about oxymorons. It’s odd, when you consider Danny’s past, how much he hates this particular literary device. After all, he did once write on a job application that the close friends to contact ‘in the event of an emergency’ were the ‘Avengers’! This, by all accounts, was an ill-thought -out security clause to ensure he didn’t fall victim to a sacking without payment. But why, if you hate oxymorons, would you want to call on the assistance of Eitri –  a dwarf-giant?

And why would you present yourself as a raw-ruddy redface, with a resemblance to the dippy-diva Donald Trump? Also, I’m taking issue with Danny’s mockery of the term friendly-fire. Doesn’t he know that my younger self was a singer with the very first successful pop music band of that very name? And bearing in mind that this blog post is supposed to be for the purpose of promoting the comedians on offer, rather than myself, then here is the evidence (alongside the reason, neatly worded by a modern and socially-aware FB user, why my talent wasn’t spotted back then!):

 

Your band were called ‘Friendly Fire’ in ’91-’92?

I guess you weren’t bothered about getting airplay on Radio 1?



And, because I’m promoting Bill, Danny and Louis, and not the young and gifted (but socially inept)Jay Cool (standing in a pothole with her bandmates), I’m moving on now to Louis’ second set.

This fast-forward action has got nothing at all to do with the fact that: so lost was I in a reverie of self-agrandiosement that I didn’t actually make any notes at all about his first set. It’s more that I’m finding Louis’ ‘stretching out’ of his material for a second run at the mic act highly entertaining. I’m mesmerised by Louis slowly twizzling himself around in circles, playing games of adjustment with the mic, and putting off the moment when he has to begin telling jokes.

And here is the reason for my interest in the slow-motion routine. Just take a look at Louis’ leg tattoo:

Louis’ calf tattoo (love the new grass carpet in The Brewery Tap!)

This calf is worthy of it’s own plinth in the University Museum at Aberdeen; it would be well-placed alongside the glass case containing the Chinese foot preserved for eternity in formaldehyde (*). Has Louis taken out insurance on that leg? Must remember to check this out with him later.

And, regardless of the high-quality of Louis’ skin etchings, just take a look at his t-shirt!

Louis’ June t-shirt

This t-shirt represents Sudbury. All the June flowers currently rearing their heads along the embankments of Sudbury’s East Hill and Waldingfield Road, the red carpets of The Brewery Tap, are woven forever into the design of Louis’s t-shirt.

Stop by at McDonald’s, continue on over the roundabout,  down Waldingfield Road, and East Street – take snaps of the flowers – and then get yourselves into The Brewery Tap for a gallon of mango cider!

At the age of thirty, still single and, still believing that his greatest achievement in life to date is his ‘first pee in a potty’, Louis Meers still qualifies as a symbol for Sudbury’s ‘youth of today’ and, with a fine example of a calf that can only increase, over time, in value – Louis also represents Sudbury’s ‘future of tomorrow’! I’m assuming here that what Louis meant by using that last phrase in his jokes, was that he won’t be around after tomorrow – once I’ve blogged about the value of his leg as a museum piece!

For the latter reason, then I end this blog post with my nomination of Louis Meers as Sudbury’s ‘Comedian of the Day’ and, due to his longer shelf-life, nominate Danny Meers as ‘Comedian of the Month’.

Also, I’m sure that the rest of Sudbury’s ladies would agree with me, in wanting Danny to come back for a second run, in that he has a very similar bottom-revealing routine to every middle-aged lady’s hero – Robbie Williams.

Okay, so Danny’s rear-end might not be quite so compact as Robbie’s, but it’s still of note – especially with that very cute tattoo on his left buttock! So Take That!

Danny, I think it’s time you had a little chat with your insurer!

Copyright owned by Jay Cool, June 2018



Please come along to all of our Suffolk Punch Comedy Clubs gigs, first Wednesday of every month, at The Brewery Tap in Sudbury. Comedians show off their assets at 8pm sharp, at which point donations can be dropped into our charity buckets. All proceeds help to fund research into prostate cancer, rather than into our comedians’ insurance funds.


* Visit Aberdeen’s University Museum for a chat with a Chinese foot, or read my genius of a poem based on my own visit: http://xcitable.blogspot.com/2017/10/preserve.html

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