Late.
No, I haven’t died. And, no, my descendants are not about to change my status on their family trees from ‘living’ and ‘private’ to ‘deceased’ and ‘public’. Unfortunate really, as this might be just the push I need in my bid to go viral. Still, I, Jay Cool, may be a little on the drag, when it comes to arriving on time for a full dose of comedy on Tap, but ‘late’ I am not; in fact, having officially just reached middle age, I am now relabelled as ‘newborn’.
So, out with the old (Yes, I did just miss out on listening to the full set of the imminently distinguished comedian Chris Jones, but no-one with any credibility gets themselves a time-slot in the first half!), and in with the new! Time to be born again ….
With Kevin Moore! Kevin Moore, one half of the ‘born again’ Christian duo known as The Monks. Being fresh and new does have its issues. Kevin’s carrying on about his passion for rugby. As a black man, he was apparently criticised for singing along to English national rugby songs, on the basis that one of these songs was plagiarised, stolen from the black slaves of the British Empire. Who knew? he’s saying. Who knew that the slaves also supported England?
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| Ian Miller with his new-look white hair (the poor sod’s just found out he’s unwittingly been tricked into performing at an unpaid gig!), propped up by The Monks! |
And, now. Now, I, really am being born again. Memories of my being-English-in-Scotland childhood come flooding back, as I find myself pig-in-the-middle, in a full blown (No, not that kind of fully blown, PJ!*) , a full blown Scottish versus English playground war. Only, this one’s transported itself to The Brewery Tap.
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| *PJ, Go and remove your ‘Full blow jobs available here at the Tap!’ sign from the gent’s hand dryer! That’s just wishful thinking and, anyway, little-wizard Oz the barman, has taken off all the special offers this evening! |
Chris Jones is grabbing the mic from Kevin, in a rather brutal manner, and is launching into a somewhat belated political speech about Scottish Independence; cursing and swearing about all the Scots who voted ‘No’ and wishing all their future winters ‘cold ones’! So bitter! And a comedian as well! I take note to learn from his example. When I am old, I will be truly immortalised, and accountable to the ‘public’. I will be ‘deceased’, and my grudges will go viral!
But my thoughts are interrupted. PJ, the Booker, has emerged from the gents, and is shaking a collection bucket in my face. I think he’s dropping a hint. Time for Jay Cool to fleece the punters. Time to smile sweetly, and to convince the regulars that, if only they give away their life savings (not much, as they are only here this evening at the comedy club because they are here every evening, sitting on the same stools, and propping up the same bar, drinking the same beer; the only thing changing in their lives being the size of their overdrafts), if only they give it all away, all into the pot for prostate cancer research, they will be spared the side-effects of alcohol, and will remain forever virile. (With the sub-clause that all future offspring are guaranteed to share their fine genes and good looks with a very respectable hand-dryer!)
I make my way over to a gaggle of handsome(ish) comedians: Ian Miller, Josh Massen and Chris Jones. It’s an opportune moment for a photo-shoot, so I snap away with my Motorola…
Josh Massen looks particularly cool in his snazzy checked shirt and I tell him so. All the best salespeople at DFS do exactly the same when they give elated descriptions of the fine fabrics on offer at knock-down prices. Then, fat on offers of free publicity via my blog, the generous threesome dig deep into their pockets, pulling out wads of twenty pound notes (just a few miserable coppers!). A few coppers in the bucket and I didn’t even get to see Josh Massen perform – he was all over and done with in the first half, before I even set foot through the door; before I was even reborn!
Late.
Going viral.
Copyright owned by Jay Cool, October 2017
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| Before The Tap Treatment |
Scaly footnote: Please support Suffolk Punch Comedy Club’s bid to raise unprecedented funds in aid of prostate cancer research, by retweeting this blog post and sending it viral. As you may have to wait a long time for the immortalised-newborn Jay Cool’s status to change to ‘deceased’ and ‘public’! Go on – do it! Help our men to stand up and for their genes to go viral!
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After The Tap Treatment
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Be at The Brewery Tap in East Street, Sudbury, Suffolk, the first Wednesday of every month for an evening of ‘Laugh Out Loud Funny’ courtesy of Suffolk Punch Comedy Club. Comedians start performing at 8pm. (Please be there for the first half and give a full report on the proceedings to Jay Cool, the Blogger, just in case her employer refuses, once again, to see why Josh Massen is far more important than her unfinished paperwork!)
Sources: The photos of the comedians are the author’s own; the scaly and newborn feet images are courtesy of Pixabay and available for reuse by Creative Commons License.
The Silly-Savvy Salopian in Suffolk: read, believe and write ... 
Jay, you really are so cool!
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